Domestic Violence Awareness Guide
Oklahoma Department of Human Services
Adult and Family Services
1
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments 5
Foreword 6
Introduction 7
Chapter 1 What is Domestic Violence? 8
Power and Control Wheel 9
The Cycle of Violence 10
Equality Wheel 13
Signs of Domestic Violence 14
Chapter 2 Who Are the Victims? 15
National Victim Statistics 15
Why Women Stay 15
The Progression of Domestic Violence 16
Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship 17
Victims’ Health Problems and Substance Abuse 18
Domestic Violence within Gay Relationships 19
Domestic Violence and the Elderly 19
Domestic Violence and People with Disabilities 20
Adolescent and Teen Dating Violence 21
Teen Power and Control Wheel 23
Safety Planning for Teens 24
Domestic Violence and the Effect on Children 25
Domestic Violence and the Child Support 30
Chapter 3 Who Are the Batterers? 31
Predictors of Domestic Violence 31
Warning Signs for the Batterer 32
Immediate Ways for Batterers to Stop Violence 32
Behavioral Tactics 33
Batterer Intervention 34
Recidivism 34
Couples Counseling and Mediation 34
Anger Management Programs 34
Batterers and Substance Abuse 35
Lethality 36
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Chapter 4 What Can We Say and Do? 37
Intervention 38
Special Note for DHS Case Managers 40
TANF and Women in Violent Relationships 41
What if She Decides to Stay? 41
Interview Tips 42
Individuals Against Domestic Violence 43
Communities Against Domestic Violence 44
Chapter 5 Assessing Danger, Safety Planning and
Crisis Intervention
45
Assessing the Danger 45
Safety Planning to Prevent Escalation 45
Safety When Preparing to Leave 47
Personalized Safety Plan 48
Checklist: What You Need to Take
When You Leave 49
Personal Safety When the Relationship is Over 50
Children’s Safety Plan 51
Tips for Mothers 51
Workplace Guidelines 52
Be Safe at the Courthouse 53
Flow Chart for Handling Crisis Calls 54
Chapter 6 The Legal System 55
Using the Law to Help You 56
Information on the Oklahoma Protective Order 57
State of Oklahoma Domestic Violence Law 61
Chapter 7 Resources 63
OCADVSA 63
Latino Community Development Agency 63
Oklahoma Office of Attorney General 63
Address Confidentiality Program 64
Oklahoma VINE 64
Native Alliance Against Violence 64
Oklahoma Domestic Violence Programs by City 65
State Domestic Violence Coalitions 67
Certified Batterers Intervention Programs 70
3
Acknowledgments
We would like to thank the agencies, organizations and individuals who contributed to the
development of this training curriculum. Some contributed by allowing us to use information printed
on their websites, which are devoted to stopping domestic violence. Others contributed by graciously
providing professional or personal expertise in this area. Each contributor joins us in the eort to educate
service providers and the community in general about domestic violence.
Consultations provided by:
Marcia Smith, executive director of the Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and
Sexual Assault
Beth Stanford, director of education for the Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and
Sexual Assault
Ann Lowrance, director of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services with
the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services
Pat Cole, associate director of the National Training Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence
Elizabeth Haynie, programs eld representative for the Department of Human Services –
Aging Services
Kathy Simms, programs administrator for the Department of Human Services –
Child Welfare Services, Child Protective Services
Esther Rider-Salem, programs manager II for the Department of Human Services –
Child Welfare Services, Child Protective Services
Contributing agencies and organizations:
American Bar Association – Domestic Violence Division
Family Violence Prevention Fund
Gail Stricklin, private attorney
Metropolitan King County Council, Washington
Oklahoma Attorney General Oce, Victim Services Unit
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
National Committee for the Prevention of Elder Abuse
Native Alliance Against Violence
Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
Oklahoma Department of Human Services – Adult Protective Services; Adult & Family Services;
Aging Services; Developmental Disabilities Services
Oklahoma Department of Mental Health, Substance Abuse Services, Domestic Violence and
Sexual Assault
Awareness Guide written and edited by:
Nathan Durant, programs eld representative, DHS, AFS-Training Section
Rebecca Kephart, programs eld representative, DHS, AFS-Training Section
Cindy McGowan, programs eld representative, DHS, AFS-Training Section
5
Foreword
By Nathan Durant
Recently, I was asked to write an introduction to this Domestic Violence Awareness Guide. I
immediately began to look at the statistics for the preceding year and some from approximately 10 years
ago. They all said that we need to do something about the problem. But these were somebody else’s
numbers, and I didn’t know who those people were. Maybe someone else would address the problem.
There was, however, one number that I couldn’t get out of my mind. It kept coming back to
haunt me. This number was close to home. You see, last summer I met a young couple who very much
wanted to get married. They couldn’t seem to live without each other. They seemed to get along fairly
well except for a couple of things. He had what they called a “bad temper.” She was willing to overlook
it, thinking he would change. He also grew up in an abusive home, but thought that he had grown up
now and would never act like his dad.
They got married and almost immediately began to go from job to job. There was a lot of
pressure to succeed. She was willing to do whatever it took. She quit her schooling so they could
move to another place where he could work. This was a place where he knew a few people, but she
knew no one. Now isolated from family, friends and even casual acquaintances, things really start-
ed to change. The arguments began to happen on a regular basis. The level of stress continued to
rise. She had no one to sit and talk with just to see if this is normal married life.
They argued, and she said that suddenly he was on top of her with his hands around her throat,
choking her and saying, “I’ll kill you.” Normal? I don’t think so. She was not in a place where we could
talk to each other and try to help her decide what to do. Remember that pressure she feels to succeed.
I can only guess right now what she is thinking regarding what to do. I’m also wondering if there’s
a police officer where she lives who would respond appropriately to a domestic violence call at their
home. I’ve wondered if there might be a social worker at their DHS office or a crisis center counselor
who has the understanding to help her talk through this and make good decisions.
Right now I can’t tell you how this will end. What I do know about statistics is that if she does
get out of her situation, it will probably involve another person or several other people who have taken
the time to learn about domestic violence, the dynamics and the results. This person (or persons) will
help her think through this situation that has all kinds of pressure to succeed. I’m hoping she succeeds.
I think you are, too.
There are untold numbers of victims, just like the one I described, who come through our offic-
es as clients, live in our neighborhoods, go to our churches and shop at the same stores we do. These
folks ask for help sometimes in subtle ways. Maybe it’s just that they come to our office with a black eye
wondering if we’re going to ask about it. With all this considered, the responsibility comes back to us to
learn about domestic violence and be ready to help anytime we can.
6
Introduction
Domestic violence is a growing epidemic in this country. Our entire society is beginning to feel its
eects. In the past, domestic violence has been mislabeled as a family matter. Consequently, communities
have played a minimal role in prevention and intervention. Today as a society, we are more informed.
We now understand that batterers and victims/survivors come from all races, genders, socioeconomic
classes, ages, religious aliations and environmental backgrounds.
Although we recognize that both abusers and victims may be either male or female, for clarity
and ease of reading this guide, we will most oen refer to batterers as men and victims as women.
A National Crime Victim Survey found that about 85 percent of victimizations by intimate partners
were against women. (Rennison, C.M. Intimate Partner Violence 1992-2001 BJS.2003) is report may
indicate an increase in the percentage of male victims reporting. is willingness to report will bring
more information as to how dynamics dier between male and female victims. We believe that many
of the dynamics are similar in regard to power and control issues. Men, however, leave the abusive
relationships quicker on average than do females. Men sustain injuries less severe than those of female
victims. Most of the information available from research relates to female victims and to change it to refer
to male victims may not be completely accurate.
e number of groups involved in preventing abuse is expanding. Judges are beginning to
realize that children rst seen as victims in domestic violence cases return to court years later as juvenile
oenders and adult criminal defendants. Law enforcement ocials report that the largest number of
calls they must respond to are domestic violence cases. Likewise, businesses are starting to recognize
the enormous economic costs of domestic violence in the form of absenteeism and reduced employee
productivity.
e U.S. Department of Justice has noted a signicant link between poverty and increased
incidents of domestic violence. Studies have also found that abuse increases the length of time women
remain on welfare and the number of times they return to welfare. Women in poverty face hardships and
challenges that can intensify the trauma caused by domestic violence. Economic dependence is oen
cited as a factor in why women remain in violent homes. Abusers oen harass and injure their victims to
the point that they miss work, hindering their job success.
As human service providers, we witness devastating eects of domestic violence on the families
we serve. erefore, this guide is being distributed as a tool to assist in recognizing domestic violence, its
victims and the batterers, and how to oer help to both through interventions and referrals.
7
Chapter 1: What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another
person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Domestic violence
happens when one person believes he is entitled to maintain coercive control over his partner.
Domestic violence may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children,
threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain
fear, intimidation and power.
Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:
Physical battering: physical attacks or aggressive behavior (range from bruising to murder)
Sexual abuse: forced sexual intercourse, unwanted sexual activity
Psychological battering: constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolat
ing the victim from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and
destruction of personal property
Myth: Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated incident.
Fact: Battering is an ongoing pattern of behavior. It may get worse and more frequent
over a period of time.
Domestic violence escalates.
It often begins with:
threats, name-calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall),
damage to objects or pets
It may escalate to:
restraining, pushing, slapping, pinching, punching, kicking, biting or sexual assault
Finally, it may become life-threatening and include:
choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons
8
Power and Control Wheel
DOMESTIC ABUSE
INTERVENTION PROJECT
202 East Superior Street
Duluth, Minn. 55802
218-722-2781
9
The Cycle of Violence
Battering patterns: As the battering pattern progresses in an abusive relationship, the degree to
which victims are affected by the abuse may increase. The batterer’s emotional needs, insecurities, and,
above all, desire to control may fuel more assaults. The frequency and severity of the violence may tend
to get worse, though sometimes in an intermittent and unpredictable manner.
In order to survive, victims develop coping strategies and survival techniques in an attempt to
avoid more harm and injury. Many victims resort to acts of appeasement and forgiveness. In reality,
however, victims are unable to stop the cycle because they do not cause the assaults. Only the batterer
has control of his behavior.
The phases listed here have been used to describe abuse. This may be conceptualized by
imagining a diminishing circle spiraling downward. As time progresses, the phases are shorter, the
violence intensifies, and the episodes of abuse may become more frequent. It should be noted that the
abuse cycle varies depending upon circumstances and individuals. Not everyone experiences these three
distinct phases.
Phase I – Tension: Phase one is characterized by emotional abuse and verbal attacks. The victim often
uses appeasement and patience as coping strategies. As time progresses, the tension increases and
these coping techniques are less successful. At the same time, the verbal assaults may become more
hostile and prolonged. Incidents involving minor physical assaults, such as pushing or slapping, may
become more frequent. In response, the victim detaches herself emotionally and psychologically. She is
emotionally exhausted from attempts to restore equilibrium to the relationship. The batterer, sensing
her retreat, is more controlling and possessive. The victim’s every move can be misinterpreted by
the batterer.
The Tension Phase:
Stress builds
Communication breaks down
Victim senses growing danger and tries to avoid abuse
“Minor” violence/abuse occurs
Incidents occur more often
Intensity increases
Batterer denies, minimizes, or blames external factors
Victim hopes things will change “somehow”
Phase II – Crisis or violent episode: In phase two, the tension reaches its climax. The escalation
may be in the form of a series of minor assaults over a period of time or one major assault.
The duration of the outburst can vary from minutes to several hours. During this time, victims
attempt to protect themselves but may constrain their resistance out of fear of prolonging the
assault. The combination of physical and psychological abuse forms a lasting impression
on victims.
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The Crisis Phase:
Anxiety is extremely high
Major, controlled violence occurs
Batterer is explosive, acute, and unpredictable
Serious injuries or death may occur
Abuser blames victim
Victim adapts in order to survive
Victim may escape only to return when crisis is over
Abuser may isolate victim physically and emotionally
Phase III – Seductive calm: It is in phase three, the final stage in the cycle of abuse, that the batterer
is most manipulative. The victim is convinced that the battering rationale is legitimate and that she is
ultimately responsible for the abuse. Consequently, the victim may feel obliged to forgive her abuser
and remain in the relationship. A batterer will use specific tactics to persuade a battered woman to
remain with him. He may convince her to stay to revere the sanctity of love and marriage, or he may
promise to change and get help. Batterers will often question the well-being of the children should the
relationship end.
The Seductive Calm Phase:
The whole family is in shock at first
Abuser may be remorseful, seeking forgiveness
Abuse temporarily stops
All are relieved that the crisis has passed
Victim is worn down and accepts promises if offered
Children become caretakers to survive or keep the peace
Victim wants to believe violence won’t reoccur
Abuser’s positive qualities are most evident
Breaking the Cycle
This can be the most dangerous time for the victim due to the batterer’s anticipation of his
ultimate loss of control.
“Across the U.S., 75 percent of domestic violence-related deaths occur after a victim takes steps
to separate from her abuser.”
Victims seeking help should contact a domestic violence agency. Victim advocacy programs
are focused on safety planning for victims and their children. These advocates and counseling
groups can be instrumental in empowering victims by offering support and resources and
providing options. Certified batterer treatment specialists provide the best treatment for abusers.
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The Cycle of Violence
Stress Factors
*Isolation-Pregnancy *Economics *Drugs/Alcohol
*Change in Family Structure *Sexual Dysfunction *Medical Problems
Love, Hope and Fear keep the cycle going.
Love - She loves him. She needs him.
Hope - She hopes he will change and keep his promises.
Fear - She is afraid that the promise he keeps will be the one he made
the last time she tried to leave, that he would kill her.
The cycle time frame can be very brief or very long ... from a matter of hours to many years.
Adapted from Dr. Lenore Walker’s “Cycle of Violence,” Denver, CO, Harper and Row, New York, 1980.
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Equality Wheel
DOMESTIC ABUSE
INTERVENTION PROJECT
202 East Superior Street
Duluth, Minn. 55802
218-722-2781
13
Signs of Domestic Violence
Does your partner…
Psychologically or emotionally abuse?
___ Blames: “It’s all your fault”; “If you would just …”
___ Gets jealous of friends, relatives or co-workers; makes unjust accusations
___ Controls nances, activities, sleep, dress, all schedules
___ Isolates: keeps you from family, friends, jobs, school, church
___ Verbally insults: puts you down, criticizes you, makes fun of you, makes degrading or
belittling comments
___ reatens: to harm you or the children or to take the children
___ Intimidates: gives you “the look”, displays violence in general
___ Kills or injures pets in front of you
Sexually abuse?
___ Dominates: displays superiority; makes sexist statements (“at’s a woman’s/man’s work” or
“What I say goes”)
___ Degrades: makes lewd comments or jokes; “checks out” other women/men in your presence
___ Forces sexual acts you don’t want to perform
Physically abuse?
___ rows or breaks objects
___ Gives rough treatment – pushing, shoving or hitting
___ Pulls hair
___ Slaps, pushes, pinches, punches, cuts, bites or chokes
___ Denies you medical care
___ Uses weapons (guns, knives, tools, etc.) to injure or threaten you or children
Do you…
___ Blame yourself for everything that goes wrong?
___ Sometimes feel scared of your partner?
___ Feel like your partner is never happy with you?
___ Have a hard time maintaining relationships with friends, relatives or co-workers because of
your partner?
___ Feel trapped at home, unable to work or go to school or church, etc?
___ Make excuses for the way your partner acts?
___ Feel like your partner keeps you from having access to cash, bank accounts or important
documents that you might need?
___ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what he/she will do if you leave?
If you would like to talk with someone about any of these issues please contact the OklahomaSAFELINE
at 1-800-522-SAFE.
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Chapter 2: Who Are the Victims?
ere is no clear method or list of characteristics that will determine a future victim. e problem
of domestic violence crosses all boundaries. Victims are of every age, gender, race, religion, ethnicity and
social class, both single and married. Simply being female is the single greatest factor that increases the
risk of becoming a victim of domestic violence.
Myth:
When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic;
therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.
Fact:
Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Abuse is a behavioral choice. Changes in family
members’ behavior will not cause or inuence the batterer to be nonviolent.
National Victim Statistics
• Approximately 1.5 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate
partner annually in the United States. (Tjaden, P., and N. oennes. Full Report of the Prevalence,
Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women; Findings from the NVAW Survey,
2000)
On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners
in this country every day. Intimate partner homicides accounted for 30 percent of the
murders of women and 5 percent of the murders of men. (Bureau of Justice Statistics
Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, February 2003)
• National Crime Victimization Survey found that about 85 percent of victimizations by intimate
partners in 1998 were against women. (Rennison, C.M. Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001,
Bureau of Justice Statistics, February 2003)
• Intimate partner homicides make up 40 to 50 percent of all murders of women in the United
States. In 70 to 80 percent of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed,
the man physically abused the woman before the murder. (“Assessing Risk Factors for Intimate
Partner Homicide.” NIJ, November 2003)
• BJS reports that 30 percent of female homicide victims are murdered by their intimate partners
compared with 5 percent of male homicide victims, and that 22 percent of victims or nonfatal
intimate partner violence victims are female, but only 3 percent are male. (Catalano, Shannan,
Intimate Partner Violence in the United States. Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2006)
• ere are three times more animal shelters than domestic violence shelters in the U.S.
Why Women Stay
Many people immediately ask, “Why do so many battered women stay?” e reality is that many
try to leave, but leaving does not guarantee safety.
e abuser oen becomes more violent aer the victim decides to leave. Remember the statistic:
Across the U.S., 75 percent of domestic-violence-related deaths occur aer a victim takes steps to separate
from her abuser. Despite this fact, thousands attempt to leave their abusers every day only to discover they
lack the funds and resources to provide necessities for their children and themselves.
e reasons for returning to an abusive partner are complex. Strong cultural pressures may
discourage legal separation. Religious convictions may play a signicant role in encouraging the victim to
forgive her partner’s actions and return home. Many victims, frightened and convinced by their partners’
manipulation and coercive tactics, believe they have no options other than to remain with their partners.
15
e Progression of Domestic Violence
Women who stay in violent relationships undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the
violence in their minds. e reasons a woman stays may change as the violence in the relationship
progresses. Male victims may have many of these same thoughts and feelings.
At rst, she stays because:
She loves him.
She believes he’ll grow up or change.
She believes she can control the beatings by doing as he says: cleaning the house, keeping the
children quiet, having dinner on time, etc.
She believes she can convince him that she loves him and thereby end his jealousy.
She believes it is her duty to make the relationship work.
She believes him when he says he’s sorry and won’t do it again.
She’s afraid of what will happen if the police get involved.
Later, she stays because:
She loves him, though less.
She believes he loves and needs her.
She believes she can’t support herself.
She’s under pressure from family or friends to stay.
She hopes he’ll change or get help.
She is increasingly afraid of her partner’s violence.
Finally, she stays because:
She believes no one can love her.
She believes she can’t survive alone.
She believes she has no control over her own life.
She feels hopeless and helpless, having no options.
She has developed serious emotional and physical problems.
She becomes depressed and immobile; decisions are dicult, sometimes impossible.
She becomes suicidal or homicidal.
He has become tremendously powerful in her eyes, and she is afraid.
He threatens to kill her, the children or her family.
Aer looking at all of this we begin to realize the question should be
“Why do so many batterers assault their partners?”
16
Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship
Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, which usually fall into three major
categories. e following is a list of contributing factors that may inuence a battered woman to remain
with her partner:
Lack of resources:
• Most women have at least one dependent child.
• Many women are not employed outside of the home.
• Many women have no property that is solely theirs.
• Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.
• Women fear being charged with desertion and losing children or joint assets.
• A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.
Institutional responses:
• Some clergy and secular counselors are trained only to see the goal of “saving” the marriage at
all costs rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
• Some police ocers do not provide support to women. ey treat violence as a domestic
“dispute” instead of a crime.
• Some police ocers may try to dissuade women from ling charges.
• Some prosecutors are reluctant to prosecute cases. Some judges rarely levy the maximum
sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a ne is much more common.
• Despite a protective order, little prevents a released abuser from returning and repeating the
assault. ere are not enough shelters to keep women safe.
Traditional ideology:
• Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.
• Many women believe that a single-parent family is unacceptable and that even a violent father
is better than no father at all.
• Many women are taught by family, religious leaders or cultural norms to believe that they are
responsible for making their marriages work. Failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as
a woman.
• Many women become isolated from friends and families, contributing to a sense that there is
nowhere to turn.
• Many women rationalize their abusers’ behaviors by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work,
unemployment or other factors.
• Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping
a man.
• During nonviolent phases, he may fulll the woman’s dream of romantic love. She believes he
is basically a “good man.” e abuser rarely beats the woman all of the time.
• e battering may occur over a relatively short period of time. He may tell her – and she may
believe – that this battering was the last. Generally, the less severe and less frequent the
incidents, the more likely she is to stay.
Adapted from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website, www.ncadv.org.
17
Victims’ Health Problems and Substance Abuse
Women who have experienced serious abuse face overwhelming mental and emotional
distress. Almost half of the women reporting serious domestic violence also meet the criteria for
major depression; 24 percent suer from post-traumatic stress disorder, and 31 percent from anxiety.
(Goodwin, Chandler, and Meisel, “Violence Against Women: e Role of Welfare Reform.” NIJ. 2003)
Women exposed to any type of violence were more likely to participate in risky behaviors as well.
Women with a history of abuse or violence are twice as likely as other women to smoke and nearly 40
percent more likely to drink alcohol regularly.
Many battered women have drug and alcohol problems and other emotional problems that may
require medication. Oen, these problems ow from the primary problem of being abused by a partner
in the rst place. Victims oen self-medicate to deal with the terror of domestic abuse. If the substance
abuse is a self-medication issue, once the domestic violence is addressed and the victim is feeling safe, the
substance abuse problem may abate. Frequently, the abuser has convinced his partner that the abuse is
her fault and belittles her, rendering her unable to cope without the crutch of drugs or alcohol. Abusers
will also insist that their partners drink and do drugs with them, forcing their partners to behave on
their level.
Research has shown that police ocers responding to calls of domestic violence are more likely
to blame the survivor for the abuse if the survivor is intoxicated. ey are also less likely to charge the
batterer with a crime when the survivor is intoxicated. (Stewart, A., and Maddren, K. 1997. “Police
Ocers’ Judgments of Blame in Family Violence: e Impact of Gender and Alcohol.” Sex Roles, 37, 921-
933)
Service providers should call ahead when making a referral for a woman with a substance abuse
problem to a domestic violence shelter. e shelter advocate can assist in determining how best to
help the victim. It may be necessary for the victim to rst address her substance abuse through detox
or inpatient treatment. Many shelter sta personnel are not trained in substance abuse services. Some
substance abuse treatment centers do have domestic violence services available on site.
e issues of substance abuse and domestic abuse must both be addressed and treated for the
victim to recover from either the addiction or the abusive relationship.
Adapted from Family Violence Prevention Fund website, www.fvpf.org.
Remember that leaving an abusive relationship and recovering from an
addiction are each a process.
18
Domestic Violence within Gay Relationships
Abuse in lesbian and gay relationships is a reality and occurs at approximately the same rate as
in heterosexual relationships. The tactics that an abusive partner uses include physical, sexual, emotion-
al and verbal abuse. Abuse in same-sex relationships is not “just like” abuse in heterosexual relation-
ships. The issues of a lesbian or gay victim of abuse are complex. Victims are often extremely isolated,
not only due to the abuse but also due to the conditions of homophobia that exist in society. Gay, les-
bian and transgendered victims deserve the same offers of support and protection as other victims of
abuse, all of which ensure treatment with respect and confidentiality.
Domestic Violence and the Elderly
Domestic violence grown old: This abuse occurs when domestic violence started earlier in life
and persists into old age.
Late onset domestic violence: This abuse begins in old age. A strained relationship or emotional
tension earlier may have gotten worse as the partners aged. When abuse begins in old age, it is likely to
be linked to one of the following factors:
• Retirement
• Disability
• Changing roles of family members
• Sexual changes
• Changes in physical and mental health
The dynamics of domestic violence in this population are much the same as in other popula-
tions. The abusers are generally spouses or intimate partners; the majority of whom are men. The vic-
tims are usually women whose relationships with their spouses or intimate partners were strained when
they were younger. They are also women who enter into intimate relationships later in life.
Elderly men and women are also at risk of domestic violence from other members of their
households. Adult children may reside in the home as caretakers or because they are financially or emo-
tionally dependent on the parent(s). Grandchildren may be living in the home, with or without their
parents. Either may be abusive in attempts to control the older person. If a batterer is the primary care-
taker in the home, an elderly or disabled victim may feel trapped in the abusive situation.
Domestic violence, caretaker abuse, exploitation, and self-neglect are all important issues to be
aware of when working with older adults. No matter which type of abuse is occurring, intervention
should focus on the safety and support of the victim.
If you suspect abuse, neglect or exploitation of a vulnerable adult, you make a referral by con-
tacting the Elder Abuse Hotline 1-800-522-3511.
19
Domestic Violence and People with Disabilities
When discussing the population of people with disabilities who may be subject to abuse, included
are people with physical, cognitive or mental health disabilities, male and female, and of all ages.
FACT: Women with disabilities are TWICE as likely to experience domestic violence as their non-
disabled peers. It is estimated that 85 percent of the female population of persons with disabilities will
experience domestic abuse during her lifetime.
FACT: ose experiencing abuse are likely to experience more abuse, for a longer period of time, and
receive more substantial injury than their non-disabled peers.
Like those without disabilities, people with disabilities may experience abuse from a spouse or
partner, family member or friend. However, people with disabilities, including those with age-related
disabilities, are particularly vulnerable to abuse from a professional caregiver or personal care attendant.
Sadly, people with disabilities who experience abuse are typically unwilling or unable to report abuse.
Factors contributing to non-reporting:
• e inability of a victim to eectively communicate that they are being abused.
• Isolation: many people with disabilities do not typically enjoy true inclusion into the
community because of a lack of accessible public transportation. In rural areas, this problem is
compounded for those who use wheelchairs and scooters for mobility.
• Many people with disabilities have low self-esteem or low self-worth because of their
dependency on supports; this can result in the feeling that abuse is “deserved.” ere may also
be fear of being abandoned by a caregiver.
• For some with low cognitive abilities, abuse happens and continues to happen because the
victim doesn’t understand the concept of abuse. Unless those with disabilities are educated
about appropriate and inappropriate touch and communication, these individuals
will always be prone to abuse.
• Behavior issues are also a contributing factor of abuse. Many advocates for people with
disabilities believe that all behavior is an attempt to communicate. What a caregiver or family
member might see as violent or self-injurious behavior in a person with a disability
is oen an attempt to convey that something is upsetting or painful. If a family member
or caregiver does not attempt to decipher this behavior as an attempt at communication,
he or she may respond with violence.
In order to reduce domestic violence among people with disabilities, we must involve ourselves in
the lives of people with disabilities.
20
Adolescent and Teen Dating Violence
“e rst time it happened, I was 14 and my boyfriend was 16. … He drug me out of school, behind
a store, and just beat me up – literally. He said if anyone asked me what happened to tell ’em I got in a ght
with someone, not to dare tell anyone he hit me.”
“Lots of times, he told me I deserved it … he almost gloated. It made him feel powerful. I started
feeling really inadequate.”
Levie Barrie, Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger, Seattle, e Seal Press, 1991.
Myth: Teens do not experience dating violence.
Fact: Approximately one in ve high school girls has been physically or sexually abused by a
dating partner.
Components of adolescent dating violence
Teen dating violence, just like adult domestic violence, is about power and a desire to control.
ere are several dierent factors aecting teens.
e main factor in teen violence is adolescent reliance on peer approval. Many teens decide
acceptable behavior and sex roles based on how they are interpreted by their peer groups. Normally,
gender roles are exaggerated, especially concerning teen sexuality. Both males and females frequently act
out their gender dierences in ways that reect stereotypes of dominant males and passive females.
Lack of experience in dating and in relationships adds to adolescent confusion. When it comes
to love and relationships, the majority of teens are idealists. Adolescent abusers’ excessive jealousy and
possessiveness are frequently misunderstood as “proof of passion.” Teen batterers justify the use of
violence and control tactics as acts of love.
In addition, adolescents are extremely reluctant to conde in adults or authority gures. Many
teens fear their concerns about relationships will be ignored, belittled, or ridiculed because adults tend to
underestimate the intensity of adolescent relationships. Others believe parental or adult intervention will
result in loss of independence or trust.
“Aer a while, when it starts getting worse, you get scared to leave him. I’d tell my boyfriend I didn’t
want to go out anymore, and it would get worse. He’d start slapping me and say, ‘I’m not gonna quit ’til you
tell me you’re not leaving.’ ”
Levie Barrie, Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger, Seattle, e Seal Press, 1991.
For most of us, it is easier to understand why an adult married woman might feel obligated to stay
with an abusive partner than to comprehend why a teen victim would demonstrate the same loyalties and
insecurities.
21
e following list gives several factors of adolescent female development that create barriers to
breaking free from abusive relationships:
• Pressure to conform to peer group norm
• Pressure from the sexual intensity of adolescence
• Lack of dating and sexual experience on which to base decisions
• Inability to trust themselves to take action on their own behalf
• Tendency to confuse control and jealousy with love
• Tendency to reject assistance from adult authorities and rely exclusively on peers
• Legal options for protection may be unavailable to teens without parental involvement
Specic Issues for Teens
Pregnancy:
In many situations, pregnancy may be part of the abuse. For example, a teenager may be forced
into having sex or a partner may refuse the use of birth control methods. Teens are at a greater risk of
experiencing abuse while they are pregnant.
Pregnant teens are oen blamed or harshly judged by adults, their peers and society. Pregnant teens and
teen mothers frequently develop a sense of dependence (real or imagined) on others. Finally, teens with
children have fewer resources and are many times unaware of all their options. e eects of all these
combined factors are feelings of isolation, helplessness and self-blame. erefore, they are more easily
manipulated and controlled.
Homosexuality:
Homosexuality is another dilemma aecting certain teens caught in an abusive relationship.
In addition to the normal confusion about gender roles and social norms, homosexual teens face
punishment and severe criticism. Homophobia, an absence of visible role models, and fear may prevent
homosexual victims, both teens and adults, from disclosing their abuse or seeking help.
Culture and race:
Culture and race are factors that inuence many victim responses to adolescent dating violence
and adult domestic violence. Both culture and race can strongly impact a victim’s tolerance of abuse and
feelings of isolation and helplessness.
Dating Safety
• Consider double-dating the rst few times you go out with a new person.
• Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend
knows these plans and what time to expect you home.
• Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the inuence of alcohol or drugs.
• If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you
are leaving and with whom.
• Assert yourself when necessary. Be rm and straightforward in your relationships.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way
to remove yourself from the situation.
From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources Inc.
For more information, visit loveisrespect.org and womenslaw.org.
22
Teen Power and Control Wheel
Courtesy of Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minn.
23
Safety Planning for Teens
You should think ahead about ways to be safe if you are in
a dangerous or potentially dangerous relationship. Here are
some things to consider in designing your own safety plan.
• What adults can you tell about the violence and
abuse?
• What people at school can you tell in order to be
safe–teachers, principal, counselors, security?
• Consider changing your school locker or lock.
• Consider changing your route to/from school.
• Use a buddy system for going to school, classes and
aer-school activities.
• What friends can you tell to help you remain safe?
• If stranded, who could you call for a ride home?
• Keep spare change, cell phone, number of the local
• Where could you go quickly to get away from an
shelter, number of someone who could help you
and protective orders with you at all times.
abusive person?
• ink of other things you can do.
24
Domestic Violence and the Effect on Children
Myth: Only children who are physically abused themselves are harmed by living in an
abusive household.
Fact: Children, regardless of whether they have experienced abuse directly, are affected
by violence in the home. Children who witness abuse display the same emotional responses as children
who have been physically and emotionally abused.
What is abusive behavior? Abusive behavior is learned behavior. At an early age, children
raised in an abusive environment may develop patterns in their conduct that mimic the types of behav-
ioral characteristics of batterers and victims. The lessons they learn from experiencing or observing
abuse accompany them into adulthood. As adults, females often develop distrust of males and negative
attitudes toward marriage and accept violence or other forms of abuse as natural. Some boys (many will
have intervened on at least one occasion to stop the abuse) identify increasingly with the batterer and
adopt many of the same beliefs about women, sex roles and the use of control tactics.
It is becoming more and more evident every day that it is potentially permanently harmful to
a very young child to remain in a violent and chaotic environment. Scientists studying neurological
development now believe that up until the age of three, we produce new types of brain cells. After that,
we only replace existing brain cells; we do not make new ones. Children who are exposed to frequent
and extreme violence and chaos tend to under-produce the full range of brain cells. As a result, there is
permanent, negative impact on the development of their socialization skills. (John Oppenheim, Family
Violence, Response, Research and Prevention, Nov. 7, 1997)
What do children experience? Studies indicate that in 40 percent to 60 percent of families
where either child abuse or intimate partner violence is identified, it is likely that both forms of abuse
exist. Children who have been exposed to violence suffered symptoms of post–traumatic stress disorder,
such as bedwetting or nightmares, and were at greater risk than their peers of having allergies, asth-
ma, gastrointestinal problems, headaches and flu. (Graham _ Bermann, Sandra A. and Julie Seng. 2005
“Violent Exposure and Traumatic Stress symptoms as Addtional Predictors of Healthr Problems in
High Risk Children” Journal of Pediatrics)
The results of a national survey of more than 6,000 American families suggest that battered
women were at least twice as likely to abuse their children physically than were women who were not
abused. (Straus, M.A., & Smith, C.. Family patterns of primary prevention of family violence, 1990. In
M.A. Straus & R.J. Gelles (Eds.), Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations
to Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Book.)
Some victims of domestic violence are so fearful of the abusive partner focusing his anger on the
children that they overly discipline them in an effort to control the children’s behavior and protect them
from what they perceive as greater abuse.
Children of domestic violence also stand a greater chance of experiencing neglect. Depression,
fear, frustration, helplessness and anger may serve as obstacles for some battered women who are trying
to foster nurturing relationships with their children.
After having had their foundation destroyed by domestic abuse, children from abusive house-
holds find it difficult to develop trust, self-confidence or positive self-images. They often become
ambivalent and desensitized to abuse. Many times the children’s initial sympathy for the victim turns
to disrespect. This occurs especially in cases when defensive measures taken by the victim are not
apparent to the children or if the child begins to mimic or learn the disrespectful behaviors of the abus-
er. Children from homes of domestic violence are at a greater risk of becoming the next generation of
abusers and victims.
25
Witnessing abuse should be viewed as a potential risk factor rather than
conclusive evidence of child maltreatment.
What is a child’s response to abuse?
Despite the increased risk, not all children of domestic violence become batterers or tolerate
abuse. Children react to their environments in several different ways. The following are four factors
that help determine children’s responses to abuse:
1. Their interpretation of the experience
2. How they have learned to survive and cope with stress
3. The availability of support people (friends, relatives, other adults)
4. Their ability to accept support and assistance from adults
Additionally, children’s responses differ with age and gender. Younger children in an abusive
environment, including those used as pawns by batterers in custody and visitation disputes, have a ten-
dency to regress in their development of behavioral skills. Children may become aggressive or throw
temper tantrums or, by contrast, may become withdrawn, passive or anxious. Each child’s response to
domestic violence, therefore, should be carefully examined in order to determine which interventions
are required.
Intervention and therapy:
Counseling is critical for children who have experienced the trauma of an abusive household.
Shelters for victims of domestic violence may also provide services for children or referrals to chil-
dren’s services outside the shelter (see resources listings in the back of this handbook). If a child is
receiving treatment outside of the shelter, however, the provider must be experienced with domestic
violence and trauma counseling.
Effects of abuse on children:
It is normal for a child who witnesses domestic violence to manifest a multitude of symptoms.
Outlined below are some common emotional, cognitive, behavioral, social, and physiological effects of
abuse experienced by children from violent households.
Emotional
• Feelings of guilt for the abuse and for not stopping it
• Grieving for family and personal losses
• Confusion or conflicting feelings toward parents
• Fear of abandonment, of expressing emotions, of the unknown, and of personal injury
• Anger about violence and chaos in their lives
• Feelings of depression, helplessness, powerlessness
• Embarrassment from the effects of abuse and the dynamics at home
26
Cognitive
• -Blaming others for their own behavior
• -Belief that it is acceptable to hit people they care for in order to get what they want, to express their
anger, to feel powerful, or to get others to meet their needs
• -Low self-concept originating from a sense of family powerlessness
• -Tendency not to ask for what they need, let alone what they want
• -Lack of trust
• -Belief that feeling angry is bad because people get hurt
• -Development of rigid stereotypes: To be a boy means … to be a girl means … to be a man, woman,
husband or wife means …
Behavioral
• Acting out or withdrawal
• Overachiever or underachiever
• Refusing to go to school
• Caretaking and being more concerned for others than self; parental substitute
• Aggressive or passive
• Rigid defenses (aloof, sarcastic, defensive, “black and white” thinking)
• Excessive attention seeking, often by using extreme behaviors
• Bedwetting and nightmares
• Out-of-control behavior; inability to set own limits and follow directions
• Aggression toward victim
Social
• Isolation from friends and relatives
• Frequently stormy relationships that start intensely and end abruptly
• Difficulty in trusting, especially adults
• Poor anger management and problem-solving skills
• Excessive social involvement (to avoid home life)
• May be passive with peers or bully peers
• Engagement in exploitative relationships, either as perpetrator or victim
• Play with peers becoming exceedingly rough
Physiological
• Somatic complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
• Nervous, anxious, and short attention span (frequently misdiagnosed as having Attention Deficit
Hyperactive Disorder)
• Tired, lethargic
• Frequently ill
• Poor personal hygiene
• Regression in development (bedwetting, thumb sucking, etc. depending on age)
• Desensitization to pain
• High-risk play and activities
• Self-abuse
27
Ways Batterers Use or Harm Children and the Effects by Age Group
Newborn to 1 year
Ways Batterers Use or Harm Children to Control Adult Victim
• Being violent in front of children
• Waking children up with the sound of the violence
• Exposing child to assaults against their mother or property
• Threats of or use of violence against child
• Taking child hostage to get the mother to return to batterer
Effects of This Abuse on Children
• Physical injury or death • Nervousness, jumpiness
• Excessive crying • Not being responsive or cuddly
• Fear • Traumatization
• Sleep disturbances • Premature birth
• Eating disturbances • Failure to thrive
• Colic or sickness • Insecurity for being cared for by a
traumatized mother
Age 2 to 4 years
Ways Batterers Use or Harm Children to Control Adult Victim
• All of the ways listed for ages newborn to 1 above
• Hurting child when the child intervenes to prevent the mother from being injured
• Using children as a physical weapon against the victim
• Interrogating children about mother’s activities
• Forcing child to watch assaults against mother or to participate in the abuse
Effects of This Abuse on Children
• All affects listed for ages 0 to 1 • Acting out violently
• Withdrawal • Delayed toileting
• Insecurity • Depression
• Problems relating to other children
Age 5 to 12 years
Ways Batterers Use or Harm Children to Control Adult Victim
• Being violent physically or sexually toward the mother in front of the children
• Hurting child when the child intervenes to stop violence against mother
• Using child as a spy against mother
• Forcing child to participate in attack on mother
• Physically or sexually abusing child
• Interrogating child about mother’s activities
28
Eects of is Abuse on Children • Becoming embarrassed about family
• Physical injury or death • Early interest in alcohol or drugs
• Fear • School problems
• Insecurity, low self-esteem • Becoming an overachiever
• Withdrawal • Bed-wetting
• Depression • Sexual activity
• Running away • Becoming violent
• Becoming caretaker of adults • Developing problems to divert parents from
ghting
Teen Years
Ways Batterers Use or Harm Teens to Control Adult Victim
• Physically or sexually abusing teen
• Coercing teen to be abusive to mother
• Being violent physically or sexually toward mother in front of teens
• Hurting teen when the teen intervenes to stop violence against mother
• Using teen as a spy against mother
• Forcing teen to participate in attack on mother
Eects of is Abuse on Teenagers
• School problems
• Sexual activity
• Social problems
• Confusion about gender roles
• Truancy
• Becoming super achiever at school
• Depression
• Becoming abusive
• Suicide
• Shame and embarrassment about family
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Tendency to get serious in relationships too early
in order to escape home
Specic Eects on Teen Girls Specic Eects on Teen Boys
• accepting violence in their own relationships • using violence in their own relationships
• embarrassment about being female • confusion or insecurities about being a man
• becoming pregnant • attacking mother, father or siblings
FACT: Sixty-three percent of boys ages 11-20 arrested for homicide have killed their mother’s
abuser. (A Safe Place – Lake County Crisis Center, P.O. Box 1067, Waukegan, IL 60079.)
Possible Symptoms in Children Who Witness eir Mother’s Abuse
• Sleeplessness, fear of sleep, nightmares, dreams of danger
• Headaches, stomachaches
• Anxiety about being hurt or killed, hyper vigilance about danger
• Fighting with others, hurting other children or animals
• Temper tantrums
• Withdrawal from other people or activities
• Listlessness, depression, little energy for life
This material was adapted from: Jones ,A., and Schechter, S., 1992. When Love Goes Wrong: What to
Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right. New York: Harper Collins. Family Violence Prevention Fund’s
Publication, Domestic Violence: A National Curriculum for Child Protective Services, by Dr. Anne Ganley
and Susan Schechter and was made possible by support from the Edna McConnel Clark Foundation.
Used with permission of the Family Violence Prevention Fund.
29
Domestic Violence and Child Support
Confidentiality is a priority to Child Support Services (CSS). Three of the things CSS does to protect
personal information is:
Establish an Address of Record
Oklahoma statute 43 O.S. 112A requires all parties and custodians to notify the Centralized Case
Registry of a current, public address of record (AOR). The AOR is stated on court orders and may be
disclosed to other authorized parties or custodians for correspondence or service of process for support,
visitation, and custody actions. An AOR may be a post office box, physical address, or attorney’s office.
If family violence has been indicated on a case, CSS asks that the claiming, party’s AOR be different
from their physical address.
Computer system functions in place (i.e. family violence indicator)
The family Violence Indicator is a function of the child support computer program to help caseworkers
and customer service representatives (CARE) easily identify that a case has been screened for family
violence, and family violence is or is not an issue for at least one of the parties involved in the case. If
family violence has been indicated in a case, the computer system also prevents the parties’ addresses
from being printed on many of the child support documents. Family violence can be claimed in writing,
by oral statement, or even by a caseworker. The Family Violence Indicator is also updated if a Victim’s
Protection Order involving the parties is on file with the Court and active.
Good Cause Determination
Cooperation is required for TANF, daycare assistance, and some SoonerCare eligibility. However,
federal regulations provide for a “Good Cause” waiver in the best interest a child. Family violence on
a case does not automatically indicate Good Cause and a child support case cannot be closed for that
reason. Good Cause is determined by Adult and Family Services for TANF and daycare assistance cases.
CSS determines Good Cause on Oklahoma Health Care Authority SoonerCare cases.
Children from violent homes learn to believe that:
It’s acceptable for men to hit women;
Violence is the way to get what you want;
Big people have power they misuse;
Men are bullies who push women and children around;
Expression of feelings signifies weakness;
They shouldn’t talk about violence;
They shouldn’t trust; and
They shouldn’t feel.
(Adapted from Western Australia Gov. web page at www.health.wa.gov.au/publications/dvpk_eochtml)
30
Chapter 3: Who Are the Batterers?
Myth: Victims provoke their abusers.
Fact: Batterers use violence or other abusive behavior because they have learned that it
can control their partners.
As many as 95 percent of domestic violence perpetrators are male, according to a 1995
report of the Violence against Women Research Strategic Planning Workshop sponsored by
the National Institute of Justice in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services.
Regardless of what a partner does, an abuser’s response is totally his decision. “She provoked
me,” is a way to shift the blame and responsibility to the victim. No one can make him behave abusive-
ly. Pushing, shoving, hitting or threatening one’s partner is a crime.
An abuser may not like his partner’s behavior or may even disagree strongly with something
she says. Nothing she does or says, however, gives him permission to commit a crime against her.
There is no excuse for domestic violence!
Predictors of Domestic Violence
The following factors may serve as clues to someone with a potential to abuse. All factors are
not present in the lives of every abuser, but these issues should be addressed.
1. Did he grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in abusive families, whether they were
abused as children or one parent beat another, have grown up learning that violence is normal
behavior.
2. Does he tend to use force or violence to solve his problems? A young man who has a criminal
record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way
with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he overreact to little problems
and frustrations? Is he cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when he’s upset?
Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence.
3. Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? Be alert to his possible drinking or drug problems, par-
ticularly if he refuses to admit he has a problem or refuses to get help. Do not think you can
change him. Substance abuse leads to a lack of self-control and reduced judgment. A violent
person can become even more violent. It can be like pouring gas on a fire!
4. Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should
be? Does he think a woman should stay home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes
and orders?
5. Does he talk of using guns, knives or other lethal instruments against people or threaten to use
them to get even?
6. When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you find that not making him angry has become a
major part of your life?
31
Warning Signs for the Batterer
e following are warning signs that may indicate your potential to be abusive. e word
“partner” refers to spouse, lover, someone you are dating, or someone from a past relationship.
You check up on your partner frequently.
You frequently put your partner down.
You try to exercise control over your partner.
You attribute acts of jealousy or possessiveness to love.
You destroy or threaten to destroy your partner’s belongings.
You threaten to hurt your partner, her family members, her friends or her pets.
You touch your partner in a way that hurts or scares her.
You force sex in ways that are not comfortable for your partner.
You blame your partner or others for your problems or shortcomings.
You get angry in a way that scares your partner.
You belittle your partner’s fears or concerns about your relationship.
You spend a lot of time and energy making up for abusive things you have done.
You have unrealistic expectations of your partner.
You promise to change but then do not take action.
If you think you may be abusing your partner, seek help now by calling any of the
batterer’s intervention services listed in the back of this handbook or call the
Oklahoma SAFELINE at 1-800-522-SAFE
Immediate Ways for Batterers to Stop the Violence
To prevent the cycle of violence from repeating itself, get treatment from a specialized treatment provider.
Here are some immediate ways to cool down:
1. Leave the scene: No matter the situation, leave! Go somewhere safe and peaceful to calm
down, collect your thoughts, and consider the consequences of your actions.
2. Slow down and cool down: Focus on something else. Take a brisk walk, listen to music or
exercise.
3. Talk: Talk to someone outside of the situation, such as a counselor at a crisis line. Call the
Oklahoma SAFELINE at 1-800-522-SAFE.
4. Tell a friend: Tell a friend you trust what you are doing to slow down and cool down.
Remember that alcohol and drugs get in the way of making decisions.
5. Get help: For a list of batterer’s treatment centers, refer to the resource section of this
handbook or call 1-800-522-SAFE.
32
Behavioral Tactics
Men who batter come from many different backgrounds and have different life experiences.
But the tactics they use to control their partners are very similar. The following are tactics many
batterers use:
Jealousy: A batterer may equate jealousy with love.
Controlling behavior: A batterer may attribute his controlling behavior to concern for his
partner (for example, his partner’s safety or decision-making skills).
Quick involvement: A battered woman often has known or dated her batterer for less than six
months before getting married or engaged or beginning to live with him.
Unrealistic expectations: A batterer may expect his partner to meet all of his needs or take care
of everything for him emotionally and domestically.
Isolation: A batterer may isolate his victim by severing her ties to outside support and resources.
Blaming others for problems: A batterer may blame others for his shortcomings.
Blaming others for feelings: A batterer may use feelings to manipulate his victim.
Use of children: A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capability and may
punish them excessively if they don’t (for example, whipping a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper). A
batterer may also use the children to manipulate or demean the victim involving them in
inflicting the emotional and verbal abuse.
Cruelty to animals: A batterer may kick, throw or hurt the family pet.
Use of force in sex: is includes restraining partners against their will during sex, acting out
fantasies in which the partner is helpless, forcing sex when the partner is asleep or demanding sex
when the partner is ill or tired.
Verbal abuse: A batterer may say things that are intended to be cruel or hurtful, curse or degrade
his partner, or put down her accomplishments.
Rigid sex roles: e victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance,
batterer may see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid and unable to be
a whole person without a relationship.
Dual personality: “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personalities with abusive behavior and moodiness,
which can shi quickly to congeniality, are typical of batterers.
Past battering: He may tell of injuries he inicted to others in the past as a way of controlling and
threatening his current victim. He may say “if they had only done this or that I wouldn’t have had
to hurt them.” If he has been abusive to previous partners, he is responsible for the problem.
Circumstances do not make a person an abuser.
Threats of violence: is consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner.
Breaking or striking objects: The batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls, or
kick doors to scare the victim.
Use of force during an argument: e batterer may hold down his partner, physically restrain
her from leaving, push or shove her, or tell her if she leaves he will hurt her.
Adapted from Domestic & Dating Violence: An Information and Resource Handbook, Metropolitan
Council, King County, Wash.
33
Myth: Once a batterer, always a batterer.
Fact: Battering behavior is learned behavior that can be unlearned. Behavioral change,
however, requires intervention. It is unlikely that a batterer can change by sheer
willpower alone.
Batterer Intervention
Domestic violence intervention programs recognize that abuse is a difficult topic to discuss.
Many men who are abusive are reluctant to get help because they feel ashamed, embarrassed or
uncomfortable. Domestic violence intervention counselors work with men to help them recognize their
abusive behavior and understand how it affects themselves, their partners, and other family members.
Abusive men can learn new, respectful ways to handle problems and have relationships.
Anyone who is concerned about his own abusive behavior can enter an intervention program;
he does not have to be ordered by the court. More and more men are recognizing that if they do not get
help, their abusive behavior could cause injuries and destroy their families. They are taking the initiative
to get help before it’s too late. The lengths of programs vary, but the national average is one year. Most
men find that they need much longer to change their behavior and the belief system that supports it.
Recidivism
Recidivism is defined as a return to the battering behavior despite having received batterer
treatment. Studies in this area show slight but meaningful reductions in recidivism. However, some
batterers simply learn not to use physical abuse and continue to abuse emotionally and psychologically.
It is believed that many times victims do not report again, fearing revenge, and, after all, “He went
through the program, and what good did it do?” Also, most programs are too short to be effective.
Domestic violence is a learned behavior; it was not learned in one year, nor is it likely to be unlearned
in one year. Intervention programs should be part of a coordinated community response to end
domestic violence.
Couples Counseling and Mediation
Many people think domestic violence is a problem with the relationship and seek couples
counseling or mediation. Unfortunately, experience has shown that couples counseling can increase the
danger to the victim and give the batterer dangerous support for blaming the victim for his violence.
Mediation programs work to find an agreeable compromise. There should be no compromise when it
comes to battering. It simply must stop! The batterer must take full responsibility for his actions and
not blame the victim.
Anger Management Programs
In the past, it was thought that domestic violence was about problematic anger. It is now known
to be about the abuser’s desire to control his partner, using whatever behaviors are necessary. Many
abusers are not angry when they use a control tactic. Men in intervention programs often say they
used their expression of anger as a way to intimidate and control their partners. Anger management
programs are not designed to address the fundamental causes of domestic violence or safety and
accountability issues. They are not appropriate alternatives to domestic violence treatment.
34
Batterers and Substance Abuse
Domestic violence occurs when an abusive person makes a choice to act violently. Domestic
violence is not caused by alcohol, drugs, stress or the victim’s failure to be a better partner. Many people
who have alcohol or drug abuse problems are not violent, and many batterers are not substance abusers.
Oen a batterer will give up drinking yet continue to be abusive because using violence to express oneself
is a learned behavior. Drug or alcohol use may lower an abuser’s self-control, and the abuser may tend to
be more violent when drunk or high and may abuse more frequently. But the substances are not the cause
of violent acts. It is the sole responsibility of the perpetrator to learn new, safe and non-violent ways to
express himself and relate to his partner.
Addictions speed up the cycle of domestic violence in relationships. Studies indicate that 37
percent to 66 percent of domestic violence cases also involve substance abuse.
Research has shown that women who are abused by alcoholic batterers are less likely to move
toward divorce because it is more dicult for them to assign blame to the batterer insofar as intoxication
is being used as an excuse for the battering. (Katz, J., Arias, I., Beach, S., Brody,G., & Roman, P. “Excuses,
Excuses: Accounting for the Eects of Partner Violence on Marital Satisfaction and Stability.” Violence
and Victims, 10(4), 315-326, 1995)
e U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ publication of Assessment and Intervention
Approach to Domestic Violence Cases Involving Children, 1999/2000, points out that there are parallels
between domestic violence and various addictions.
• ey constitute family disorders and adversely aect all family members across generational
lines.
• ey involve ritualization of behavior. e cycle of violence and the cycle of addiction both
include periods of escalation of behavior, oen followed by a period of promises to change,
followed by a period of increasing tension and eventual return to the act of using or abusing.
• ey result in shame, guilt, decreased self-esteem and emotional numbness.
• ey are characterized by denial, minimization and rationalization.
• ey involve secrecy and the problem normally does not decrease until a crisis occurs.
Some abusers drink or take drugs in contemplation of battering. ey abuse drugs and alcohol
specically to give themselves an excuse to assault or abuse their families. Some batterers who are
alcoholics or drug abusers might change their behavior, including their battering, if they stopped abusing
drugs and alcohol. Substance-abusing batterers, however, cannot be trusted to change their behavior if
they continue to drink and take drugs. No matter what kind of batterer’s intervention program or court-
ordered program they are in, promises they have made, or fear they have of re-arrest, the minute the
batterer gets high or drunk, the chances are good that he will forget everything he has promised
or learned.
Battering and substance abuse are two separate problems, and each needs immediate
intervention and attention.
35
Lethality
Although no one can accurately predict when or if a batterer will kill or escalate violence to a
life-threatening level, the following indicators can serve as warning signs that a batterer may be reaching
that level. It is important to note that while these indicators are a valuable assessment tool, the presence
or absence of one or more indicators cannot denitively predict the behavior of a batterer. e most
important indication of life-threatening violence is the victim’s perception of her danger.
Lethality Indicators
• Perceived loss of control over the victim through separation, divorce, victim eeing
• Extreme jealousy
• Escalation of abuse
• Acts of abuse in public
• Suicide / homicide threats
• Plan to carry out either of above
• Use of, or threat to use weapon (especially a gun)
• Stalking
• History of mental health problems
• Substance abuse
• History of sexual abuse of victim or children
• Violation of protective orders
36
Chapter 4: What Can We Say and Do?
What can we say and do as a friend, family member, neighbor, employer,
co-worker, service provider, DHS case manager, individual and community?
Seven things to say to a victim reluctant to leave a violent
situation or returning to a violent situation:
1. I am afraid for your safety.
2. I am afraid for the safety of your children.
3. It will only get worse.
4. I am here for you when you need help or need to leave.
5. You deserve better than this; it’s not your fault.
6. Let’s gure out a safety plan for you and your children.
7. What do you need and how can I help?
If you are in need of help, you can call
Oklahoma SAFELINE: 1-800-522-SAFE
(1-800-522-7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
(1-800-799-7233)
37
Intervention
“What helped me most was a neighbor who confronted me when she hardly knew me and
oered to help whenever I was ready to take the rst step.”
– Teresa, survivor of domestic violence
Only an estimated 10 percent of domestic violence incidents are reported annually. In order to
prevent future acts of domestic violence, the community must get involved.
You may know a woman who is in a violent relationship – maybe a friend, co-worker or family
member. Reach out to her. Letting her know that you are concerned can break through the stigma,
isolation, shame, and denial of domestic violence. Speaking up can also let abusers and the rest of the
community know that domestic violence is totally unacceptable.
Warning signs that someone you know is being abused:
• Frequent unexplained bruises or injuries, or the explanations just don’t add up
• Becoming unusually quiet or withdrawn, especially when her partner is around
• Frequent absences from work or quits work
• Stops talking about her partner
• Wears concealing clothing, even in warm weather
• Oen cancels plans at the last minute without saying why
• Seems afraid of making her partner angry
• Casually mentions her partner’s violent behavior but dismisses it as “no big deal”
• When with her partner, he gets very controlling and puts her down in front of other people
• You see the partner violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects
e following intervention methods are listed according to the individual’s
relationship to the victim or abuser.
What to do if you think a family member, neighbor or friend may be aected by domestic violence:
• Talk in a safe, private place
• Take time to listen, and believe what you hear
• Let her know there is no excuse for the violence – not stress, not alcohol or drugs, not jealousy,
not anything
• Don’t expect change overnight; be patient and continue to oer support. Don’t rush into
providing solutions
• Don’t judge or criticize her decisions
• Encourage her to make her own choices, but urge her to talk to someone who knows about
domestic violence
• Give her information in a safe format and discreetly
• Let her know that many other people are in abusive situations and tell her about agencies that
can help
• If she remains in the relationship, continue to be her friend while rmly expressing your concern
for her safety and that of her children. Remember that for many battered women, leaving an abusive
relationship can take time and be very dangerous.
• Learn as much as you can about domestic violence by calling the Oklahoma Coalition Against
Domestic Violence at 405-524-0700. Also see the back of this handbook for community
resource listings.
38
What to do if you are an employer or co-worker of someone who may be aected by domestic
violence:
• Managers and supervisors should understand the laws that restrict employers from asking
employees about certain health or home issues. If you need information about these laws, seek
out someone in your agency who can help you.
• If you observe warning signs, let the person know you notice a problem and are concerned.
• If the person wants to talk to you, ask what assistance, if any, would be most helpful (for
example, time o for court appearances, security escorts to the car, not transferring phone calls
from the abuser to the employee).
• Do not allow the situation to become the topic of oce gossip.
• Do not tell the person what to do or judge her decisions.
• Get help from a human resource or personnel department, an employee assistance program, or
other resources in your organization.
• Learn as much as you can about domestic violence by contacting the Domestic Violence
Information Line at 1-800-522-SAFE Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence at
405-524-0700 or by contacting some of the agencies in the resource pages of this handbook.
For service providers who suspect that a customer or client is being abused or is abusive:
(Note – Your response will vary based on the type of service you oer, but the following is a list of suggestions
and guidelines for intervention.)
• Routinely ask every client about being hurt by a partner or hurting others
• Ask questions in private if at all possible.
• Ask questions that help a person tell you what is going on. You should ask an injured person,
“Was this done by your partner?” rather than “How did you get hurt?”
• Assess an abused person’s safety and help reduce the danger. Express your concern that the
person may get hurt again. Help her explore options for safety. Address the children’s safety and
the eects of domestic violence on them.
• Encourage an individual who is being abusive to seek help from a specialized batterer treatment
agency.
• Don’t agree with any statements that suggest the victim brought on the abuse.
• Develop a policy on how you will record abuse in your les. Consider your relationship with
the client, the need for condentiality, the importance of providing good service, and the
potential benet or risk of records in the case le for your client.
• Learn as much as you can about domestic violence by contacting the Oklahoma Coalition
Against Domestic Violence at (405)524-0700 or by contacting some of the
agencies in the community resource section of this handbook.
39
A special note for DHS case managers:
e ties of domestic violence upon public assistance recipients are prevalent and strong. We,
as case managers, must be able to tie in why we are asking every client questions regarding domestic
violence with our desire to assist them in becoming self-sucient. Our questioning is not to be punitive
or judgmental but to enhance their safety and that of their children.
Our questions of these clients will enable us to work together to establish service plans that
will not put them in danger. We must think through our terminology and avoid jargon terms and
acronyms such as “good cause,” “CSS” and “victim of family violence.”
A good question to ask: “Is there something putting you in danger that keeps you from
moving from welfare to work safely?”
Clients need to hear the oer of help and questions regarding safety repeatedly as they move
through the process of becoming self-sucient. Keep asking, and keep oering your help. If the client
fails to respond to your question, it doesn’t mean that help isn’t wanted. Your support of your client can
make a dierence. It is not easy to ask this question, but it is even harder to answer it honestly if there is
violence in the home.
Trust will lie greatly with the belief in your ability to ensure condentiality. So keep it condential.
If you don’t, then you place the victim at greater risk. If the victim knows you told, they may never tell
you or anyone else anything again.
Treat your client and the information shared with the utmost respect. What is being told can be
shameful and has the added element of fear. Phone conversations should be made in private settings.
Do not take it personally if the victim does not access services or leave the abuser.
We should strive to make domestic violence services available at sites that are accessible and
safe for victims and places they normally go: DHS oce, child care centers, health department, medical
facilities, community centers. is serves a dual purpose: It helps keep down suspicion from the batterer
and it gets the victim help, in the safest way possible.
• Domestic violence isn’t something people lie about to get out of doing something.
• Respect a client’s decision about claiming good cause exemptions (waivers).
• Respect a client’s decision about accepting family violence services.
• Have trained personnel available to talk and provide service.
• Have personnel who understand and respect the client’s culture and the realities of their living
situation.
• Recognize that family violence may be one of several signicant problems this family faces.
• Set realistic priorities, coordinate services, and respond to identied concerns.
• Be realistic in expectations of service outcomes; family violence issues, like many other
problems, are not resolved quickly or easily.
• Inform your client of family violence services available in the community, including hotline
services, whether or not they want help in dealing with family violence at this time.
• Make sure your client has access to the Oklahoma SAFELINE number: 1-800-522-SAFE.
40
TANF and Women in violent relationships
• Of women receiving TANF, 20 to 30 percent are in violent relationships. As many as 65 percent
have experienced partner violence at some time.
• For some women, partner violence increases as they try to go to work because abusers believe
they might lose control over them if they move toward independence.
• Women in violent partnerships oen also have mental health problems (such as depression or
post-traumatic stress syndrome), substance abuse problems and physical health problems – all
of which can pose barriers to successful employment.
• Women in violent relationships are more likely to cycle on and o welfare roles and spend
greater total time on welfare.
• Women in violent relationships are more likely to have periods of unemployment, job
turnovers and lower personal incomes.
• Women in violent partnerships are less likely to maintain employment over time.
Adapted from National Training Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Austin, Texas.
What if she decides to stay?
Case managers must respect a client’s decision not to leave an abusive relationship. Remember –
leaving may be more dangerous than staying.
It can feel frustrating when the victims return to their batterers or stay in abusive relationships.
It is important to understand that there are many reasons for these decisions. Just like ending any
relationship is a process, leaving an abusive relationship also takes time. It’s even harder in violent
relationships. In many cases, victims fear for their lives. ey may also want their children to grow up
with both parents, or they may feel guilty and believe the abuse is their own fault. Sometimes a victim’s
self-esteem is so damaged by the abuse that she thinks she can’t make it on her own. Or she may just want
the violence to end, not the whole relationship.
Whatever the reason for her decision to stay, there are many ways you can help.
Here’s how:
• Encourage her to keep a log of what is happening to her, including evidence of threats sent in
letters, email, texts or le on voice mail.
• Help her identify resources to help her take care of herself, get her emotional support and build
her self-esteem.
• Suggest that she tell her doctor or nurse about the violence, asking him or her to document
the abuse in medical records and take photographs of her injuries. Oer to take the photos
yourself, and suggest she store them in a safe place, along with a written description of what
happened. ese records will be helpful if she decides to take legal action in the future.
• If she reveals that her abuser is stalking her, encourage her to call a domestic violence hotline
to get help in developing a safety plan, including information about a victim protective order. Stalking
is against the law.
41
Interview Tips
Direct questions
1. To assess danger: Are you in danger? Is he drunk or high?
2. To assess safety options: What do you think will help? Are friends available to help you?
Do you have access to a phone?
3. To gather basic information: How many children are involved? When does he work?
Is transportation available?
Confrontation
Maybe you need to think about what is best for you and the children.
Sure, it’s pretty hard and scary to make changes, but you said earlier that you’ve had it!
It sounds like you’re ashamed to leave even though your life is in danger.
Empathy and support
It is hard to make such important decisions.
That must be rough for you.
That must make you very angry or sad or frightened.
Softening
You’re being pretty hard on yourself.
Don’t you think you are expecting too much of yourself? It takes two to make a relationship…
Is it really your fault that he can’t or won’t control his temper?
Improving self-esteem
You called – that’s a big step. It takes a lot of courage to call us.
You’re doing the best for you and your children.
Feedback and verification
Let me see if I have the facts straight.
You want to do something, but you’re not sure what.
You see your situation as impossible, but you’re not sure you want to leave?
Most important question: How can we help you?
Adapted from Domestic Violence: A Basic Manual for Intervention and Prevention, Tulsa, Okla.
42
Individuals Against Domestic Violence
As individuals, we have the ability to impact not only our communities – we can also exert
influence through our individual behavior, especially in our roles within our families. One theory holds
that we have three major spheres of influence: creating change in ourselves, our families and our com-
munities. Changes in our own behavior as parents, family members and neighbors can have a signifi-
cant contribution to decreasing violence in our communities.
The following list contains actions or behaviors that can be incorporated into our daily lives:
• Be responsible for your own actions
• Respect each person’s individuality
• Monitor your child’s TV programs, movies, video and computer games for violent
content
• Teach a child to settle disagreements nonviolently
• Be fair
• Empathize
• Learn to walk in another’s shoes
• Teach children to respect themselves and others
• Watch your own anger, talk it out, write it out, sing it out, but don’t act it out
• Set a good example
• Obey the law
• Help children develop sound value systems
• Show children the value of education and hard work
• Dare to get involved
• Treat others the way you want to be treated
• Keep on trying; change comes slowly
What if I see an assault in progress?
Domestic violence is a crime, just like robbery or rape. If you see or hear an assault in progress,
call 9-1-1. If you are outside when you see a woman being assaulted on the street or in a car, write
down the license tag number and the location of the assault in progress and find the nearest phone to
call the police. These situations can be dangerous, so whatever you do, be sure to keep yourself safe.
But do something – don’t assume that someone else has already taken care of it. Survivors of relation-
ship abuse say that when no one acknowledged that they saw the abuse or tried to help, it made them
feel even more isolated and alone.
Volunteering help
There are never enough services or resources available to help every person suffering from the
effects of domestic violence. There are many things you can do to improve the lives of those affected by
domestic violence.
• Give financial support
• Help organize fund-raising efforts in your community to support existing services
• Give your time
• Give your skills and experience
• Give items that may be of use to a shelter. Be sure to call your local domestic
violence program first to find out what resources are really needed
• Organize educational programs for your workplace, community groups or religious
groups
43
Communities Against Domestic Violence
Leaders of the community and its institutions should join together to establish responses to
domestic violence and child maltreatment. The responses should offer meaningful help to families,
including protections for all victims from physical harm; adequate social and economic support for
families; and access to services that are respectful, culturally relevant, and responsive to the unique
strengths and concerns of families. Simultaneously, the community should hold violent perpetrators
responsible for their abusive behavior and provide a variety of legal interventions and social services to
stop this violence.
Every community institution has a role. Mental health and substance abuse centers, health
clinics, and public assistance agencies have the capacity to screen for and assess violence and develop
safety plans with families. Mental health providers can be available to respond to trauma for the many
victims who are living with constant fear and anxiety. Housing agencies have the capacity to rehabilitate
or set aside apartments for families in danger.
Every community working to end family violence should consider asking itself the broad
question, “Do our interventions make the safety, well-being, and stability of children and families
possible?”
• Is adequate housing available for families in danger?
• Do battered women and men who batter have access to economic supports
and services?
• Are adequate treatment services available for adult and child victims and for batterers?
• Are there advocacy and crisis services for women who are battered?
• Are health services available to all victims who need them?
• Are there support, educational groups and mental health services for child witnesses
to violence?
• Are there accessible intervention programs for men who batter? Do these programs
include content about parenting and responsible fathering?
• Do substance abuse providers assess for and intervene in violence?
• Are law enforcement and court practices and policies in place to protect
those in danger?
• Are agencies and courts sufficiently protecting family members’ privacy while
simultaneously allowing for the exchange of information to coordinate interventions
for families?
There are two types of interventions that help battered adults and remove risk to children exposed
to domestic violence. One type of intervention seeks to remove the risk caused by the batterer, including
arrest of the assailant, batterer intervention groups, and protection orders removing the batterer from
the home. The other type of intervention creates safety and stability for the mother and children
including the provision of housing and support services, transportation, child care, job training, child
support, carefully crafted custody and visitation orders, and help from battered women’s advocates and
support groups.
As communities respond to family violence, some of it deadly and all of it serious, they will need to
develop far more resources and many new responses. At the same time, they will have to ask the people
whom they serve to teach them more about what works to keep families safe.
Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges Family Violence Department
44
Chapter 5: Assessing Danger, Safety Planning and
Crisis Intervention
Assessing the Danger
Factors to consider in determining serious danger or lethality:
• Separation of the partners
• Stalking behaviors
• Obsessive or desperate attachment
• Destruction of victim’s property
• History of domestic violence and violent criminal conduct
• Possession of or access to weapons
• Threats or prior attempts of homicide or suicide
• Depression or other mental illness
• Abuse of animals
• Drug or alcohol involvement
• Attempt at strangulation
• Abuse in public
For each factor present, the lethality risk increases.
Safety Planning to Prevent Escalation of Domestic Violence
As we have already seen, women may stay with their batterers for many reasons.
It is worth saying again so that we understand the risks:
Across the U.S., 75 percent of domestic violence-related deaths occur after a victim takes steps to
separate from her abuser.
As batterers feel the loss of control over their partners, they multiply efforts to regain power
– sometimes resorting to desperate measures. Leaving an abusive relationship puts a victim, her chil-
dren, family, friends, co-workers and even innocent bystanders at increased risk for serious injuries and
death.
Preventing the escalation of domestic violence after separation involves a variety of community
helpers. Law enforcement, the courts, social service and health care providers, and domestic violence
advocates must work cooperatively with a victim to assess the danger of her situation and in some cases
develop and execute a safety plan.
The following pages cover issues to consider in determining protective strategies for vic-
tims and their children and provide a framework for customizing practical and effective safety
plans.
45
If you or someone you know is planning to leave an abuser or take any legal or financial steps to
separate, you must plan for safety. It is also crucial to have a safety plan if you or someone you know
continues to live with a batterer. Help yourself, a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor or a client address
safety concerns by developing a comprehensive safety plan, including survival strategies at home, at the
workplace, and in court or public places.
Safety plans should be individualized, always taking into account the victim’s age and marital
status, whether or not children are involved, geographic location, and resources available including
transportation, shelter and finances. Some common elements always apply.
Contact With a Person Who is Being Abused: If you are trying to help someone, do not leave
messages with family members, on an answering machine or in voice mail, unless you know it is com-
pletely safe. If questioned by family members, do not indicate that you are calling about the domestic
violence; rather, give an innocent reason for the call.
• Always ask first if it is safe to talk. The batterer may be present, even if he no longer lives in the same
home. Develop a system of coded messages to signal danger or the batterer’s presence. If he is present
unexpectedly, ask whether you should call the police.
• Block identification of your number when calling by dialing *67 or the equivalent. This prevents a
batterer from using caller ID to discover that the victim is seeking assistance.
• Keep the victim’s whereabouts confidential if she does decide to leave. Do not disclose addresses,
telephone numbers or information about the children without permission. Batterers often track
down partners through third parties.
• Send mail only when you know it is safe. If the person being abused fails to respond to calls, make
extensive but confidential efforts to check on her safety. Write a simple letter requesting a response
without disclosing that you are contacting her because of concerns about the domestic violence. Do
not use letterhead.
• If you are a professional whose client is being abused, inform your client about case developments
in advance.
Adapted from Multidisciplinary Responses to Domestic Violence, American Bar Association
46
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
Safety When Preparing to Leave
Battered women frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Having
a safety plan increases your safety and that of your children. Batterers oen strike back when they
believe that a battered woman is leaving the relationship. Choose the time you will leave very carefully.
Remember that immediately aer an attack, he is watching and expecting you to try to leave. It is oen
safer to wait until he is more relaxed and settled and trying to make up with you for what he has done.
1. I will leave some money and an extra set of keys with __________________(person) so I can leave
as needed.
2. I will keep copies of important documents or keys at __________________________(place).
3. I will open a savings account by ________________(date) to increase my independence.
4. Other things I can do to increase my independence include:
_________________________________________________________________________________
5. e local Domestic Violence program’s hotline number is __________________________________.
e Oklahoma SAFELINE number is 1-800-522-SAFE. I can seek help and shelter by calling
these numbers.
6. I will keep change for the phone, a friend’s cell phone or a pre-paid phone card on me at all
times. I understand that if use my telephone or credit card that the number will appear on the
phone bill that the batterer will see. To help myself I must either use coins, call collect, use a
phone card or get a friend or family member to permit me to use their phone. I also need to
remember that with caller ID, call trace, call return, etc. the batterer may be able to trace my
calls from the phone.
7. I will remember that if I use a credit card to travel or ee the area, the bill will show the
batterer my route and maybe my nal destination. If I need to use a credit card, I will try to
take a cash advance instead of charging my purchases.
47
Personalized Safety Plan
e most important step I can take for myself and my children is to build a safety plan to protect
us from the abuser. is page represents my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for
further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner’s violence, I do have a choice about
when and how to respond to him/her and how best to get myself and my children to safety.
1. If I decide to leave, I will__________________________________________. (Practice how to get
out safely: Which door? Which window? Try doing things that get you out of the house: taking out the
trash, walking a pet, going to the store.)
2. I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them ____________________________________
(place) in order to leave quickly. I can use ___________________________________ for transportation
if needed.
3. I can tell __________________________________________ (who) about the violence and request
that they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.
4. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police by dialing 9-1-1.
5. I will use ___________________________________ (word) as my code word with my children/
family/friends so they can call for help.
6. If I have to leave my home, I will go to ______________________________ (place). If I cannot
go to this location, then I can go to _____________________, ___________________________,
_____________________________, or ________________________________. (Decide even if you
don’t think there will be a “next time.”)
7. I can also teach my children to go to _______________________ (place) without me if needed.
(ink of the ages of your children and a place close enough for their safety.)
8. When I expect that we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space in the home that is
low-risk, such as ______________________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage,
kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without access to an outside door.)
9. I will use my own judgment. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he wants to
calm down. I have to protect myself and my children.
10. When I have to talk to the abuser in person, I can ________________________________________
_________________________.
11. When I talk to the abuser on the phone, I can _________________________.
Remember: e more precautions you take, the safer you will be.
48
Checklist: What You Need to Take When You Leave
____ Driver’s license/photo ID
____ Children’s birth certicates
____ Social Security cards
____ Health insurance/life insurance papers
____ Welfare ID and benet (EBT) cards
____ Credit cards
____ Bank books/checkbooks
____ Mortgage payment book
____ Lease, rental agreement or house deed
____ Passport
____ Work permits/VISA/Green Card and Immigration paperwork
____ Jewelry
____ Photos and other items of sentimental value
____ School records
____ Your birth certicate
____ Immunization records
____ Cell phone and charger
____ Medications for you and your children
____ Other medical records for you and your kids
____ Car registration/insurance
____ Keys: car, house, oce
____ Divorce papers
____ Child custody papers
____ Children’s favorite toys or blankets (if packing ahead, pack a toy they will recognize but not miss)
____ Address book
____ Photo of abuser
____ Baby items (diapers, formula, medication)
____ Eyeglasses
____ Non-perishable snacks for children (juice, crackers)
*Keep many of these items in a specic place so you can get to them on short notice.
** Pack a suitcase with some of these items, including important paperwork, and store it with a friend or
neighbor in the event that you have to leave the home immediately.
If you need help,
Call 1-800-522-SAFE
49
Personal Safety When the Relationship is Over
1. I can change the locks; install steel/metal doors, a security system, smoke detectors,
fire extinguishers, an outside lighting system; and purchase rope or chain ladders for
exiting second floor windows.
2. I will inform _______________ and ________________ (people) that my partner no
longer lives with me and ask them to call the police if he is observed near my home or
my children. I will give them a photo of the batterer or the batterer’s car.
3. I will tell people who take care of my children the names of those who have permis-
sion to pick them up. The people who have my permission are __________________,
_____________________, ____________________, and ______________________.
4. I can avoid stores, banks and other places that I used when living with my batterer. I
can cancel any bank accounts or credit cards we shared and open new accounts at a dif-
ferent bank.
5. I can obtain a protective order and keep my copy with me at all times as well as leave
a copy with _________________ (person).
6. I can use an answering machine to screen calls or use call trace when receiving calls to
collect evidence of harassment or protection order violations.
7. When leaving work, I can do the following to keep safe: ________________________
___________________.
8. I can ride to and from work, school, etc. with ____________________ (person) or I
can trade vehicles temporarily with ___________________ (person).
9. I can keep change for phone calls, a pre-paid phone card or a cellular phone with
me at all times. I can call any of the following people for help: __________________
(friend), ________________ (relative), ________________ (co-worker) and
________________ (others).
10. I can alter my routines by changing routes or timing.
11. I can obtain a new, unlisted phone number and be very sensitive about sharing it.
12. I can keep a phone that is in a room that locks from the inside.
13. I can develop signals to tell neighbors and friends to contact the police. If possible, I
can have a friend call me at a designated time each day.
14. I can enroll in a reliable self-defense course and practice these skills.
15. I can attend a support group for women who have been abused. Support groups
are held on ____________________(days) at ________________ (times) and
_______________________(place).
16. If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can call
_______________ (person) for support or I can contact the Domestic Violence program
at _____________________ or the Oklahoma SAFELINE at 1-800-522-SAFE.
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Children’s Safety Plan
I, ________________________, will call 9-1-1 for help if I am afraid that someone in my house
will get hurt. I will not try to get in the middle of a fight myself.
When I call, I will give them my address, _____________________________, and my phone
number, __________________________. I will tell them who is being hurt and who is hurting them.
I can leave my house by the door at the ________________________, or I can get out of the
window in the ________________________. I will leave if I need to.
If I need to leave my house, I will go to my neighbors’ house, _____________________,
_____________________ or __________________. I will be safe there.
If ______________________ comes to my school, I can tell my teacher or principal. If I need
help or am afraid, I can tell either of them.
If ________________comes to the house, I will not let him in unless Mom says it is OK.
Tips for Mothers
• Review confidentiality issues with shelter staff, school personnel and child care providers.
• Alert school and child care providers about the current situation and authorization of adults who can
and cannot have contact with the children. Explain the details of this conversation with the children
so that they are clear on confidentiality and other safety issues.
• Give the school a password so personnel can be sure it is you on the phone.
• If the children are at a new school or child care center, contact the prior facility and make sure they
do not release any information about the new school or center’s name or location.
• If possible, have the children picked up for school or child care away from the place where you
are staying.
• Talk with the children about their feelings related to living in a shelter or other home and ways of
handling questions from other adults or children.
• Get involved in the children’s school or child care activities.
• Create a safety plan and review it with the children.
• Teach your children not to get in the middle of a fight but to call for help.
• If applicable, put copies of the protective order in the children’s backpacks. They should have
this with them at all times. You can also provide a copy to the child care provider.
• Provide school and child care providers with a recent photo of the abuser.
• Take advantage of programs offered through the school, such as counseling for children.
• Teach the child the phone number for the shelter, police station, or other safe places.
• Keep the school or child care provider posted on court-ordered specific situations.
• Ask teachers to allow the children to call you at any time needed.
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Things you can do immediately if the batterer becomes violent or threatening:
Call for help. Scream loudly and continuously. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.
Get away. Escape if you can. Go to a relative or friend’s house or a domestic violence shelter.
Call the police. Call 9-1-1 or the equivalent and ask for the dispatcher’s name. When the police
respond, obtain the ocer’s name and number. e police must now attempt to protect you from
further abuse. ey are required to provide or arrange transportation to a hospital
or safe place for you and are encouraged to arrest your abuser if they have enough evidence of a
crime. ey must give you a paper explaining your rights and telling you of
one social service agency that can help. ere is increasing evidence that calling the police
will make your abuser less likely to hit you again in the future. ere is also evidence that
being arrested makes an abuser far less likely to repeat his violent behavior toward you. While not
always successful, involving the police can help you feel safer.
File criminal charges if the batterer commits a crime or violates a protection order.
Seek medical treatment if injured by the batterer. Photograph all injuries.
Record all contact with the batterer in a diary.
Workplace Guidelines
e annual cost of lost productivity due to domestic violence is estimated as $727.8 million, with
more than 7.9 million paid workdays lost each year. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women
in the United States. 2003 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury and
Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
What to Do . . .
If you are experiencing domestic violence:
• Save any threatening email, text messages or voice messages. is can be a violation of your
protective order.
• Notify your supervisor and the human relations manager about the circumstances regarding
your situation and provide them with a copy of your protective order.
• Discuss options available to you, e.g., scheduling, safety precautions, employee/family assistance
benets, parking close to the building, and security escorts.
• Submit a recent photo of the perpetrator to your safety manager and co-workers in the event of
a confrontation at work.
• Request that all information be treated with condence to provide for your safety and well-being.
• Screen calls with voice mail or a machine, or ask a colleague to screen call.
• Travel to and from work with another person.
• Don’t leave for lunch alone.
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If you are the co-worker of someone experiencing domestic violence:
• If you suspect a co-worker is suffering abuse, do not directly confront the person since
it is important for an individual to self-disclose for her own safety and well-being.
• Express concern and a willingness to listen and be supportive if needed.
• Offer support by listening and assisting; the individual will confide when ready.
• If a co-worker confides in you, encourage communication with the human resources
manager and supervisor.
• If you witness an incident at work, contact your safety manager or law
enforcement immediately.
• Make sure that the incident is documented.
If you are the supervisor or manager of an employee who is experiencing domestic violence:
• Be aware of unusual absences or behavior and take note of bruises or
emotional distress.
• Contact the human resources manager to discuss concerns, resources available and
ways to support the employee, e.g., safety planning, employee assistance counseling,
family resource referrals, flexible scheduling, security measures.
• Be familiar with community resources and referrals.
• Maintain confidentiality at all times; be sensitive to the seriousness of the situation.
• Discuss who is appropriate to speak with the employee; agree on all forms of com-
munication, e.g., providing the safety manager with a photo if there is a risk at work.
• Assist the employee in documenting all incidents with the batterer that occur in
the workplace.
• Take action against domestic violence by encouraging employees to volunteer and by
providing financial or in-kind support to your local domestic violence programs.
Adapted from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence web site, www.ncadv.org.
Be Safe at the Courthouse
• Sit as far away from the abuser as you can; you don’t have to look at or talk to the
abuser; you don’t have to talk to the abuser’s family or friends if they are there.
• Bring a friend or relative with you to wait until your case is heard.
• Tell a bailiff or sheriff that you are afraid of the abuser and ask that person to look
out for you.
• Make sure you have your court order before you leave.
• Ask the judge or sheriff to keep the abuser there for a while when court is over;
leave quickly.
• If you think the abuser is following you when you leave, call the police immediately.
• If you have to travel to another state for work or to get away from the abuser, take
your protection order with you; it is valid everywhere.
Adapted from American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence web site, www.
abanet.org.
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54
Chapter 6: The Legal System
How victims can assist when police respond to a domestic violence call:
Try to stay calm: is may be dicult in a crisis situation or if you are panicked or emotional,
but it is important.
Do not hesitate to ask that a report be made: In every domestic violence case law enforcement
responds to, the ocers are required to le an ocial report, even if no other police action
is taken.
Describe the incident in detail: No one knows what took place better than you do. Facts are
needed for the police to make an accurate report. Do not be intimidated when the ocers ask
for a statement. A statement is simply a way of documenting the incident in your
own words. You will be asked to proofread what the ocer has written for accuracy. You have the
right to change the statement until you are completely satised with it.
Show the police any injuries, bruises or damaged property: is is evidence! Visible proof
provides more facts the police will take into consideration. Encourage the police to take
pictures of any injuries you have sustained and of any destroyed property. If there
is no physical proof (for instance, you were being threatened or experienced pain),
simply explain, clearly and calmly, the incident in detail.
Inform the ocers of any witnesses: Witnesses help to substantiate the fact that something has
taken place.
Photograph any visible signs of the abuse: Bruises, cuts and other injuries may be used
as evidence.
Tell the ocers about other violent incidents: Past abuse is part of an abusive pattern. Previous
assaults help explain the danger involved in your situation.
Show the ocers any court documents you have, such as a no contact, restraining, or anti-harassment
order, or order for protection: In particular, keep a certied copy and another copy of a restraining
order or order for protection with you at all times. is is useful in he event that the order cannot be
served on your abuser until he is at your residence demanding entry. e extra copy can immediately be
administered to the respondent at the scene by the responding ocers. e ocers can note service of
the “extra” order on the reverse side of your certied copy.
Ask the ocers for community resources such as shelters, hotlines, counseling and advocacy:
A list of community organizations will be given to you by the responding ocer also. is information,
along with a victim’s rights statement, is required by law. As a general rule, do not dispose of anything
that the police, prosecutor’s ocer or courts give to you. See the back of this handbook for additional
community resources.
Ask the ocers for their business cards, the case number of the report and a phone number:
As long as the incident in question is still being investigated by law enforcement, direct any concerns or
questions to the police. If the crime is a misdemeanor, direct your concerns to the ocer who responded
to your call for assistance. If the crime is a felony, contact the detective who is assigned to your case. In
the event that the detective does not contact you, the responding ocer who completed the case report
will be able to provide you with the information.
e police ocer should provide you with a safeline card to help you get information: 1-800-522-SAFE.
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Using the Law to Help You
Protection orders:
• Ask your local domestic violence program who can help you get a protection order and who
can help you with criminal prosecution.
• Ask for help in nding a lawyer.
• Talk with the local district attorney about your case.
In most places, the judge can:
• Order the abuser to stay away from you or your children.
• Order the abuser to leave your home.
• Order the police to come to your home while the abuser picks up personal belongings.
• Order the abuser to go to a batterer’s intervention program.
• Order the abuser not to call you at work.
• Order the abuser to give guns to the police.
If you are worried about any of the following, make sure you:
• Show the judge any pictures of your injuries.
• Tell the judge that you do not feel safe if the abuser comes to your home to pick up the children
to visit with them.
• Ask the judge to order the abuser to pick up and return the children at the police station or
some other safe place.
• Ask that any visits the abuser is permitted are at very specic times so the police will know by
reading the court order if the abuser is there at the wrong time.
• Tell the judge if the abuser has harmed or threatened the children; ask that visits be supervised.
ink about who could do that for you.
• Get a certied copy of the court order.
• Keep the court order with you at all times.
• Ask that the visitation exchange of the children be done by a third party so that you do not have
to see your abuser during the visitation.
Criminal proceedings:
• Show the prosecutor your court order.
• Show the prosecutor the medical records about your injuries or pictures if you have them.
• Tell the prosecutor the name of anyone who is helping you (a victim advocate or lawyer).
• Tell the prosecutor about any witnesses to injuries or abuse.
• Ask the prosecutor to notify you ahead of time if the abuser is getting out of jail.
• Register with the Oklahoma VINE Criminal Tracking System: www.vinelink.com.
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Information on Oklahoma Protective Orders
What is a protective order?
A protective order is an order of the court on behalf of a victim of domestic abuse, stalking or
harassment for the abuser to stop hurting, threatening and harassing the victim. In some cases, it may
also order the abuser to move out of a home that is shared.
Who is eligible?
Protective orders are available to people who have been physically abused, stalked or threatened
with imminent physical harm by a family or household member. is includes spouses, ex-spouses,
present spouses of ex-spouses, parent, children, persons related by blood or marriage, people who live
together or used to live together, and people who are the biological parents of a child.
You may also apply for a protective order if you have been stalked or harassed by someone who is
not a family or household member. Stalking means that a person is willfully, maliciously and repeatedly
following you which causes you to feel frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed or molested. It also
means a course of conduct of at least two or more separate acts of unconsented contact that you have not
requested or in disregard for your expressed wishes to be le alone. Unconsented contact or course of
contact includes following or appearing within your sight; approaching or confronting you in a public
place or on private property; appearing, entering or remaining at your residence or any property leased
or owned by you; contacting you with repeated telephone calls, texts, emails; placing or delivering objects
on property owned, leased or occupied by you. Harassment means that someone is doing something
to you or someone in your family that causes you distress. is can include following you, sending or
leaving things at your home or workplace, or calling you.
How to le
To obtain a protective order, you need to ll out a simple petition that is available at the
courthouse. You do not need an attorney, and there is no fee to le a petition. e judge may order you or
the abuser to pay court costs and ling fees later, when the petition is heard.
e petition will ask for information about the abuser or threats, so details about the dates, times
and locations of the abuse are necessary. Any proof of the abuse, such as photographs, letters or doctor’s
reports, can also be helpful. If your children have been threatened or abused, you can le a petition for
them also. You must put down only true things on the petition because you will have to swear or sign that
they are true.
e abuser, called “the defendant” when the petition is led, must be notied about the protective
order before it can go into eect. Be sure to bring all of the addresses where the abuser can be found,
a description of that person and information about the person’s car. When you ll out this petition,
you may ask for an emergency ex parte order if you are in immediate and present danger of abuse by
someone in your household. If the danger is not immediate, you can wait for a regular court hearing.
If you have access to a computer, you can review/print the forms at:
www.oscn.net/static/forms/AOCforms.asp and click on “Protective Order.” Please note that these forms
may not be used in all county courthouses. Make sure you list every law enforcement agency (police
chief, sheri, etc.) that you want the order issued to.
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Emergency temporary orders
When a law enforcement ocer makes an arrest in a case of domestic abuse during a time when
the court is not open for business, you may request an emergency temporary order from the ocer. e
ocer will provide the petition, ask you to complete and sign it, and then call a judge. e judge can
issue the order by telephone, and the ocer will inform you about whether or not the order is granted.
Emergency temporary orders are only in eect until the close of next business day, so it is important that
you go to the courthouse the next day to apply for an ex parte and full order.
Ex parte protective orders
If the abuse situation is an emergency – that is, if there is an immediate and present danger of
abuse – you can ask for an emergency ex parte order, which is an order obtained quickly (within 24
hours, and usually the same day) and without the defendant being present at the hearing before the judge.
It is in eect only aer the defendant is given notice of the order by law enforcement giving him a copy
and only until a full hearing can be held with the defendant being present. At the ex parte hearing, a date
within 14 days from the ling of the petition will be set for a full hearing.
At the ex parte hearing, the judge will read your petition and may ask you questions. e judge
will decide whether to give you a temporary emergency order of protection. If an order is granted, you
will get a copy in person or by mail.
A law enforcement ocer will serve (deliver) a copy of the order to the defendant, along with
a summons for the defendant to appear in court at the full hearing. e order is not in eect until it is
served on the defendant – that is, until he or she is notied. You may want to check with the court clerk’s
oce to see whether service has been completed or sign up for VINE-VPO to be notied telephonically
or electronically of the notice to the defendant. You still must go to the hearing to get another date if he
has not been served.
Explain to the judge if there are any special arrangements you want included in the order – for
example, that you need any visitation temporarily suspended or modied to protect from threats of abuse
or physical violence, or defendant’s threat to take the children, or violate a custody order; or that you do
not wish to have any verbal or physical contact with the defendant and arrangements for any visitation
with the children must be without you being present; or if you have pets that he has threatened to harm,
or if there is visitation with a child who is also part of the protective order, provisions for safety and
supervision are made.
Final protective orders
Whether an ex parte order is granted, denied or not requested, a full hearing will be scheduled
within 20 days (14 days e. 11/2013.) At that time, both you and the defendant appear before a judge
who hears evidence and decides whether or not to issue a nal protective order. Explain to the judge
if there are any special arrangements you want included in the order – for example, that you need any
visitation temporarily suspended or modied to protect from threats of abuse or physical violence, or
defendant’s threat to take the children, or violate a custody order; or that you do not wish to have any
verbal or physical contact with the defendant and arrangements for any visitation with the children must
be without you being present; or, if there is visitation with a child who is also part of the protective order,
provisions for safety and supervision are made.
If the defendant has been notied of the hearing but does not show up in court, an order can still
be issued, but if he or she has not been served the notice, the hearing must be rescheduled. Before the
full hearing date, check with the court clerk to see if the defendant has been served. If not, request a new
hearing date be scheduled for the full hearing. It is important for you to go to the full hearing, even if it is
rescheduled several times. If you do not go, the judge may dismiss your case.
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Within 24 hours aer a protective order is issued, a copy will be sent to the law enforcement
agencies you designate, where it will be kept on le. Make sure you list every law enforcement agency
(police chief, sheri ’s oce, etc.) that you want the order issued to. Make several copies of your protective
order and keep one with you at all times. Show it to police whenever necessary.
Once a protective order has been issued, it is in eect until modied or rescinded by the judge.
e terms of the protective order apply to the defendant – you cannot legally violate the protective order
issued against the defendant, but it is advisable to keep your distance so that you will be safe. Either you
or the defendant can le a motion to have the order modied or canceled. Any consent agreement to
change the order must be approved by a judge, even if both persons have agreed to the change.
Protective orders can last up to ve ears. Under certain circumstances, a protective order can
be continuous, where it never expires. ose special circumstances are where a court nds that the
defendant has a history of violating orders of any court or governmental entity; where the person has
been convicted of a violent felony oense; or where the person has a previous felony conviction for
stalking and a court order for a previous order has been issued in this state or another state.
e nal protective order remains in full force during any period of time that the defendant is
incarcerated and the period of incarceration shall not be included in the calculation of the ve year time
limitation.
Animals and protective orders
If your abuser has threatened to harm the family pet or any farm animal owned by the family, you
may ask the court to enter special orders protecting the animal and giving you custody in the petition
you le. If you are able to take the animal with you or have someone keep the animal safe until the order
is issued, that is the best protection for your animal.
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Enforcement of the order
A protection order issued by one U.S. state or Indian tribe is valid and enforceable in any other
U.S. state or tribe. Violation of protective orders carries much higher penalties than most assaults. A
violation of the order occurs whenever the defendant does something that is strictly prohibited by the
order. You do not have to wait until physical violence occurs.
The first violation is a criminal misdemeanor, which is punishable by a fine of up to $1,000 or
one year in jail or both. The violation becomes a felony if any of the following circumstances exist:
• If the violation causes physical injury or impairment to you or someone in your
household
• If there is a temporary restraining order, a protective order, emergency ex parte order •
If within the past 10 years, the defendant has completed a sentence or been convicted
of a crime that involved use or threat of violence against you or a member of your
immediate family
If the defendant bothers you, call the police and notify them that you have a protective order.
The police can arrest the violator then and there if they observe the offense – that is, if they see him
or her harassing, threatening, visiting, etc. Police can arrest any person at any place if the officer has
probable cause to believe the person committed an act of physical violence within the last 72 hours.
The officer need only observe some evidence of a recent physical injury or impairment of your physical
condition.
If the defendant is already gone when police arrive, you can file a complaint with either the
police department or the district attorney’s office. The defendant can then be charged, and a warrant
can be issued for his arrest. If the police are called, request that they write a police report that you can
sign.
Always get the names of the officers who respond to your calls. Write them down. Write
your own notes about what happened as soon as possible and keep this information in your own
records.
Respect yourself and expect to be treated respectfully by the police. It is their job to respond to
calls for assistance. It is not their job to make judgments about you. There is no reason for you to be
embarrassed or apologetic about the way you live or your situation.
Your local law enforcement agencies should have a copy of your protective order on file. If
you move, you will need to arrange to put a copy of your order on file with your new law enforcement
agencies.
Experience has shown that abusers usually stop their behavior when they must face
consequences. Many plead guilty before they go to trial. The expense, embarrassment, and potential
fines and jail time for domestic abuse, stalking, and harassment are strong deterrents for most abusers.
Shelters and crisis services
There are people and places available to help you. Domestic violence and sexual assault
programs are located in many towns across the state. They can offer a safe place for you and your
children to go if you feel unsafe in your home. Staff members can also answer your questions about the
protective order and give you other support information.
The Oklahoma Office of Attorney General and the YWCA operate SAFELINE,
1-800-522-SAFE, a statewide, toll-free telephone hotline for victims of domestic violence and sexual
assault. SAFELINE staff can refer you to the nearest program where you can receive assistance. Also see
the community resources section in the back of this handbook.
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State of Oklahoma Domestic Violence Law
22 O.S. § 60.1 Protection from Domestic Abuse Act - Definitions
As used in the Protection from Domestic Abuse Act and in the Domestic Abuse Reporting Act, Sections
40.5 through 40.7 of this title and Section 150.12B of Title 74 of the Oklahoma Statutes:
1. “Domestic abuse” means any act of physical harm, or the threat of imminent physical harm
which is committed by an adult, emancipated minor, or minor child thirteen (13) years of age or older
against another adult, emancipated minor or minor child who are family or household members or who
are or were in a dating relationship.
2. “Stalking” means the willful, malicious, and repeated following or harassment of a person by
an adult, emancipated minor, or minor thirteen (13) years of age or older, in a manner that would cause
a reasonable person to feel frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed or molested and actually causes
the person being followed or harassed to feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed
or molested. Stalking also means a course of conduct composed of a series of two or more separate
acts over a period of time, however short, evidencing a continuity of purpose or unconsented contact
with a person that is initiated or continued without the consent of the individual or in disregard of the
expressed desire of the individual that the contact be avoided or discontinued. Unconsented contact or
course of conduct includes, but is not limited to:
a. following or appearing within the sight of that individual
b. approaching or confronting that individual in a public place or on private property
c. appearing at the workplace or residence of that individual
d. entering onto or remaining on property owned, leased, or occupied by that individual
e. contacting that individual by telephone
f. sending mail or electronic communications to that individual
g. placing an object on, or delivering an object to, property owned, leased or occupied by that
individual
3. “Harassment” means a knowing and willful course or pattern of conduct by a family or
household member or an individual who is or has been involved in a dating relationship with the
person, directed at a specific person which seriously alarms or annoys the person, and which serves no
legitimate purpose. The course of conduct must be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer
substantial emotional distress, and must actually cause substantial distress to the person. “Harassment”
shall include, but not be limited to, harassing or obscene telephone calls in violation of Section 1172 of
Title 21 of the Oklahoma Statutes and fear of death or bodily injury.
4. “Family or household members” means:
a. spouses
b. ex-spouses
c. present spouses of ex-spouses
d. parents, including grandparents, stepparents, adoptive parents and foster parents,
e. children, including grandchildren, stepchildren, adopted children and foster children,
f. persons otherwise related by blood or marriage
g. persons living in the same household or who formerly lived in the same household
h. persons who are the biological parents of the same child, regardless of their marital status,
or whether they have lived together at any time; this shall include the elderly and
handicapped
5. “Dating relationship” means a courtship or engagement relationship. For purposes of this act,
a casual acquaintance or ordinary fraternization between persons in a business or social context shall
not constitute a dating relationship.
6. “Foreign protective order” means any valid order of protection issued by a court of another
state or a tribal court.
61
7. “Rape” means rape and rape by instrumentation in violation of Sections 1111 and 1111.1 of
Title 21 of the Oklahoma Statutes.
8. “Victim support person” means a person affiliated with a certified domestic violence or sexual
assault program, certified by the attorney general or certified by a recognized Native American Tribe
if operating mainly within tribal lands, who provides support and assistance for a person who files a
petition under the Protection from Domestic Violence Act.
9. “Mutual protective order” means a final protective order or orders issued to both a plaintiff
who has filed a petition for a protective order and a defendant included as the defendant in the
plaintiff’s petition restraining the parties from committing domestic violence, stalking, harassment or
rape against each other. If both parties allege domestic abuse, violence, stalking, harassment or rape
against each other, the parties shall do so by separate petition pursuant to Section 60.4 of this title.
Family Law & Domestic Violence
Grounds for divorce: No specific proof is required to get a divorce other than a statement of
incompatibility. Other “grounds” include abandonment, impotency, adultery, cruelty, fraud, habitual
drunkenness, gross neglect of duty.
Sometimes, it is easier for a victim to slowly separate from a marriage by pursuing a separation
instead of a divorce which can easily be converted to a divorce at some later date. Remember, that
when you decide to leave the abuser, do not tell him/her in advance and have a safety plan as leaving an
abusive relationship may increase the likelihood of harm because your abuser is losing control of you.
Contact the Oklahoma SAFELINE number 1-800-522-SAFE to help you plan a safe separation.
Definition of Domestic Violence for purposes of a divorce: “Domestic violence” means the
threat of the infliction of physical injury, any act of physical harm or the creation of a reasonable fear
thereof, or the intentional infliction of emotional distress by a parent or a present or former member of
the household of the child, against the child or another member of the household, including coercive
control by a parent involving physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, economic or financial abuse.
Child Custody and Visitation Standards: The usual standard for determining who gets custody
of the child is the “best interests of the child.” Where domestic violence, stalking or harassment exists
in a marriage or relationship involving a child, there is a rebuttable presumption that it is not in the best
interests of the child to have joint custody, sole custody or unsupervised visitation with the perpetrator
of domestic violence, harassing or stalking behavior. The court shall consider as a primary factor,
the safety and well-being of the child and of the parent who is a victim of domestic violence, stalking
or harassing behavior. Joint custody or shared parenting may be dangerous, as well as emotionally
unhealthy in a situation of domestic violence and should not be readily agreed to.
There are also special provisions in the law governing visitation where there is domestic
violence, stalking or harassing patterns of behavior present. The safety of the child and the parent/
victim should be considered and the court shall not order that the victim/parent be present for the
exchange the child for visitation. Safe visitation provisions should be included in any visitation order
such as having a third party transport the child for visitation; supervised visitation; ordering abusive
parent to complete danger/lethality assessment prior to visitation; order abusive parent to abstain from
alcohol, drugs, attend 52 week certified batterer program, impose costs of supervised on perpetrator.
The law also protects a parent who, in good faith and with a reasonable belief based on facts,
determines that their child is the victim of child abuse or neglect or suffers from the effects of domestic
violence and may take necessary action to protect the child including refusing to permit visitation.
Attorney Fees & Costs: Divorce can be expensive, but the law does provide that attorney fees
and costs may be awarded to a victim of domestic abuse, stalking or harassment at any time during the
proceeding.
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Chapter 7: Resources
e Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault (OCADVSA)
e Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault is committed to helping people
acquire the information and survival skills necessary to take control of their lives and the decisions
aecting their lives; we will not encourage anyone to remain in or return to a violent or dangerous
situation. We oppose the use of violence and sexual assault and support equality in relationships and the
concept of helping all people to assume power over their own lives.
Mission Statement: e mission of the Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault is to organize and mobilize member programs to prevent and eliminate sexual and domestic
violence and stalking in the State of Oklahoma and in Indian Country.
OCADVSA
3815 N. Santa Fe Ave., Ste. 124, Oklahoma City, OK 73118
Phone: 405-524-0700
Fax: 405-524-0711
Email address: [email protected]
Website address: http://www.ocadvsa.org
Latino Community Development Agency (LCDA)
Proyecto Cambio Intimate Partner Violence/Sexual Violence is certied by the oce of the Attorney
general to provide domestic violence/sexual assault crisis intervention, transitional housing and batterer’s
intervention.
Our mission is to reduce the occurrence of domestic violence and sexual assault in the Hispanic/Latino
community in the Oklahoma City metro area. Services available include Bilingual English/Spanish,
intimate partner violence/sexual violence case management for referrals, linking and advocacy; Latinas
Unidas Support Group; and the 52 week Hombres de Paz Batterer’s Intervention Program.
LCDA contracts with DHS for Spanish language parenting education classes.
LCDA provides bilingual child and adolescent outpatient mental health and substance abuse treatment
with licensed professionals who are trained in using trauma-focused CBT.
LCDA
420 S.W. 10th St., Oklahoma City, OK 73109
Phone: 405-236-0701
Fax: 405-236-0737
Web site address: www.lcdaok.org
Oklahoma Oce of Attorney General, Victim Services Unit
is unit oversees funding and certication for domestic violence programs across the state. e unit also
provides training for law enforcement ocers, prosecutors and shelter workers.
313 N.E. 21st St., Oklahoma City, OK 73105
Phone: 405-521-3921 or 918-581-2885
Website address: www.oag.state.ok.us/oagweb.nsf
63
Address Condentiality Program (ACP)
e ACP provides services to residents of Oklahoma who are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault
and stalking. e ACP provides you with a substitute address that can be used when interacting with state
and local government agencies. e substitute address serves as your home, work and school address and
ensures your perpetrator does not use government records to locate you. e address can be used for
enrolling children in public schools, driver’s licenses, social services, child support, court documents and
protective orders. e ACP can also help with condentiality when applying for public utilities,
registering to vote, and transferring, of school records. e ACP is administered by the Oce of Attorney
General, Victim Services Unit.
Phone: 1-866-227-7784
Web site address: www.oag.state.ok.us/oagweb.nsf/v-acp
Oklahoma VINE Criminal Tracking and Victim Notication System
VINE is a statewide program oered to Oklahomans free of charge. It is a service through which victims
or interested parties can use the telephone or Internet to sign up to receive notication regarding
changes to an oender’s custody status. Individuals may sign up to receive notication by phone call, text
message and email. You will be notied if an oender is released, transferred, escapes or any number of
other status changes. e service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. VINE is
administered by the Oce of Attorney General, Victim Services Unit.
VINE Protective Order was integrated into the VINE program in 2008. Persons ling a protective order
can register with the program to be notied once an order has been served.
Phone: 1-877-654-8463
Web site address: www.vinelink.com
Native Alliance Against Violence (NAAV)
Created in 2009, the Native Alliance Against Violence (NAAV) is Oklahoma’s only tribal domestic
violence and sexual assault coalition serving Oklahoma’s federally recognized tribes and tribal domestic
violence and sexual assault programs. rough the spirit of respect and cooperation, the Native Alliance
Against Violence strives to unify tribal service programs throughout Oklahoma by providing culturally
appropriate technical assistance, training and support to eliminate domestic violence, sexual assault,
dating violence and stalking to restore balance and safety for native communities.
NAAV
2501 N. Blackwelder Ave., Sarkeys 209
Oklahoma City, OK 73106-1493
Phone: 405-208-5189
FAX: 405-208-5185
Website address: www.OklahomaNAAV.org
Oklahoma Safeline: 1-800-522-SAFE
64
Oklahoma Domestic Violence Programs by City
Ada
Family Crisis Center Inc.
580-436-3504
Altus
ACMI House Southwest OK Community Action
Group Inc.
Crisis: 800-466-3805
Direct Line: 580-482-3800
Central Oce: 580-482-5040
Ardmore
Family Shelter of Southern Oklahoma
Crisis: 580-226-6424
580-226-3750
Bartlesville
Family Crisis & Counseling Center Inc.
Crisis: 800-814-1188
(M-F) 918-336-1189
Chickasaw Nation
Oce of Violence Prevention
Ada: 580-272-5580
Ardmore: 580-226-4821
Shelter: 580-559-0870
Chickasha
Women’s Services & Family Resource Center
Crisis: 800-734-4117 (in-state only)
Crisis: 405-222-1818
Citizen Potawatomi Nation
Family Violence Program
Shawnee
405-878-4659
Crisis Center only
Claremore
Safenet Services Inc.
Crisis: 918-341-9400
Pryor: 918-825-0190
Crisis: 888-372-9400
Clinton
Action Associates Inc.
Crisis: 580-323-2604
Shelter: 580-323-0838
Oce: 580-323-8700
Duncan
Women’s Haven Inc.
Crisis: 877-970-4357
Crisis: 580-252-4357
Durant
Crisis Control Center
Crisis: 580-924-3030
580-924-3056
Enid
YWCA
Crisis: 800-966-7644
Shelter: 580-234-7644
Oce: 580-234-7581
Idabel
SOS for Families
580-286-7533
Crisis: 888-286-3369
Shelter: 580-286-3369
Antlers: 580-298-5575
Hugo: 580-212-7599
Lawton
New Directions
Crisis: 580-357-2500
580-357-6141
Miami
Community Crisis Center
918-540-2275
Crisis: 800-400-0883
Crisis: 918-542-1001
Muskogee
Women in Safe Home Inc.
918-682-7879
Crisis: 918-682-7878
Eufaula: 918-618-4250
65
Norman
Women’s Resource Center
Crisis: 405-701-5540
405-364-9424
Oklahoma City
Latino Community Development Agency
405-236-0701 ext. 143
Crisis center only
Oklahoma City
YWCA
405-948-1770
DV Hotline: 405-949-1866
Crisis: 405-947-4506
Okmulgee
Okmulgee County Family Resource Center
918-756-2549
Crisis: 877-756-2545
Crisis: 918-756-2545
Ponca City
Domestic Violence Program of North Central OK
580-762-2873
Poteau
Women’s Crisis Services of LeFlore County
918-647-2810
Crisis: 800-230-9799
Crisis: 918-647-9800
Seminole Nation
Domestic Violence
405-382-3762
Seminole
Family resource Center
405-382-5979
Hotline: 405 and 580 areas only
800-373-5608
Shawnee
Project Safe
405-273-9953
Crisis: 800-821-9953
Stigler
KiBois Women’s Shelter
918-967-2512
Crisis: 918-967-3277
Stillwater
Wings of Hope Family Crisis Services
405-372-9922
Hotline: 405-624-3020
Hotline: 800-624-3020
Tahlequah
Help-In-Crisis Inc.
918-456-0673
Crisis: 918-456-4357
Crisis: 800-300-5321 (in state)
Tul sa
Domestic Violence Intervention Services Inc.
918-585-3163
Crisis: 918-743-5763
Sapulpa: 918-224-9290
Woodward
Northwest Domestic Crisis Service
Crisis: 580-256-8712
Crisis: 888-256-1215
Shelter: 580-256-1215
66
State Domestic Violence Coalitions
State - phone/website
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence 334-832-4842
Hotline: 800-6501-6522 www.acadv.org
Alaska Network on Domestic and Sexual Violence 907-586-3650 www.andvsa.org
American Samoa 602-279-2900
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence 602-279-2900 800/782-6400 www.azcadv.org
Arkansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence 501-907-5612
800-269-4668 www.domesticpeace.org
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence 916-444-7163
800-524-4765 www.cpedv.org
Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence 303-831-9632
888-788-7091 www.ccadv.org
Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence 860-282-7899 www.ctcadv.org
Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence 302-658-2958 www.dcadv.org
DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence 202-299-1181 www.dccadv.org
Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence 850-425-2749
850-621-4202 TDD www.fcadv.org
Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence 404-209-0280 www.gcadv.org
Guam Coalition Against Sexual Assault and
Family Violence
671-479-2277
Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 808-832-9316 www.hscadv.org
Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and
Domestic Violence
208-384-0419
888-293-6118 www.idvsa.org
Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence 217-7892830 www.ilcadv.org
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence 317-917-3685 www.violenceresource.org
Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence 515-244-8028 www.icadv.org
Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and
Domestic Violence
785-232-9784 www.kcsdv.org
Kentucky Domestic Violence Association 502-209-5381 www.kdva.org
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence 225-752-1296 www.lcadv.org
Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence 207-941-1194 www.mcedv
Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence 301-352-4574
800-634-3577 www.mnadv.org
Jane Doe Inc/Massachusetts Coalition Against
Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence
617-248-0992
617-263-220 TTY/TDD www.janedoe.com
Michigan Coalition Against Domestic &
Sexual Violence
517-347-7000
517-381-8470 TTY www.mcadsv.org
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women 651-646-6177
Mississippi Coalition Against Domestic Violence
800-289-6177 www.mcbw.org
601-981-9196 www.mcadv.org
67
Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and
Sexual Violence
573-634-4161 www.mocadsv.org
Montana Coalition Against Domestic and
Sexual Violence
406-443-7794
888-404-7794 www.mcadsv.com
Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
Coalition
402-476-6256 www.ndsvac.org
Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence 775-828-1115 www.nnadv.org
New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic
Violence
603-224-8893 www.nhcadsv.org
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women 609-584-8107 www.njcbw.org
New Mexico Coalition Against Domestic Violence 505-246-9240 www.nmcadv.org
New York State Coalition Against Domestic
Violence
518-482-5464 www.nyscadv.org
North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic
Violence
919-956-9124
888-232-9124 www.nccadv.org
North Dakota Council on Abused Women’s
Services
701-255-6240
888-255-6240 www.ndcaws.org
Ohio Domestic Violence Network 614-781-9651 www.odvn.org
Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence
and Sexual Assault
405-524-0700 www.ocadvsa.org
Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and
Sexual Violence
503-230-1951 www.ocadsv.org
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence 717-545-6400
800-932-4632 www.pcadv.org
Puerto Rico Coalition Against Domestic Violence
and Sexual Assault
787-281-7579
Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence 401-467-9940 www.ricadv.org
South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic
Violence and Sexual Assault
803-256-2900
800-260-9293 www.scadvasa.org
South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic
Violence and Sexual Assault
605-945-0869
800-572-9196 www.southdakotacoalition.org
Tennessee Coalition Against Domestic and
Sexual Violence
615-386-9406 www.tcadsv.org
Texas Council on Family Violence 512-794-1133 www.tcfv.org
Women’s Coalition of St. Croix 340-773-9272 www.wcstx.com
Utah Domestic Violence Council 801-521-5544 www.udvac.org
Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence
and Sexual Assault
802-223-1302 www.vtnetwork.org
68
Virgin Islands Domestic Violence and
Sexual Assault Council
340-773-5191
Virginians Against Domestic Violence 804-377-0335
800-838-8238 www.vadv.org
Washington State Coalition Against
Domestic Violence
360-586-1022 www.wscadv.org
West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence 304-965-3552 www.wvcadv.org
Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence 608-255-0539 www.wcadv.org
Wyoming Coalition Against Domestic Violence
and Sexual Assault
307-7555481
800-990-3877 www.wyomingdvsa.org
Courtesy of National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website. www.ncadv.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline
e National Domestic Violence Hotline answers calls from victims, survivors, friends and family
members, law enforcement personnel, domestic violence advocates and the general public.
Hotline advocates provide support and assistance to anyone involved in a domestic violence situation,
including those in same-sex relationships, male survivors, those with disabilities and immigrant victims
of domestic violence.
All calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline are condential!
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and
anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals
to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and
Spanish with access to more than 150 languages through interpreter services.
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the
National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 800-787-3224.
Adapted from National Domestic Violence Hotline website, www.ndvh.org.
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
Lovisrespect.org is the online home of National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, a community where you
can nd support and information to understand dating abuse. You can talk one-on-one with a trained
advocate 24/7 who can oer support and connect you to resources. Call toll free 1-866-331-9474 or TTY
1-866-331-8453. One-on-one live chat is also available from 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. Central Standard Time,
seven days a week.
69
Certied Batterers Intervention Programs
Ofce of Attorney General
Updated 02/28/2013
OAC 75:25-1-2
Anger control substance abuse
or mental health treatment
alone or in combination with
each other shall not constitute
batterers intervention
74 O.S. § 18p-6
Certication of Batterer
Intervention Programs by the
Ofce of Attorney General
Victims Services Unit
On-Line Domestic Violence
Classes ARE NOT Certiied
Programs in the State of
Oklahoma
Questions Regarding
Certication of Batterer
Intervention Programs Contact:
Margaret Goldman
405-522-0146
Ada
Family Crisis Center Inc.
605 E. 12th St.
580-436-3504
Altus
ACMI House-Southwest OK
Community Action Group Inc.
P.O. Box 1088
580-482-3800
Central Ofce: (580)-482-5040
Anadarko
Southwest Youth and Family
Services 102 E. Broadway
405-247-5437
Bartlesville
Family Crisis & Counseling
Center Inc.
615 S.E. Frank Phillips Blvd.
918-336-1188
Chickasha
Southwest Youth and Family
Services 198 E. Almar
405-222-5437
Claremore
Safenet Services Inc.
P.O. Box 446
Claremore, OK 74018
918-341-1424
Clinton
ACTION Associates Inc.
P.O. Box 1534
Clinton, OK 73601
580-323-8700
Elk City
Action Associates Inc.
580-323-8701
Enid
Growing Hope Inc.
1625 W. Garriott Road, Ste. F
580-402-7444
Guthrie
Family Builders
Contact: Susan Stewart
405-232-8226
Grove
Community Crisis Center
Grove Emerg. Management
Bld.
1412 South Broadway
918-674-2252
Idabel
SOS
580-286-7534
Lawton
Chandler & Associates
405-481-7442
Miami
Community Crisis Center
Aletha Redden - Coordinator
118 A St. S.E.
918-674-2252
70
Muskogee
Women In Safe Home Inc.
Frankie Dunback
918-682-7879
Norman
Community Works
122 E. Eufaula St.
405-447-4499
Okemah
Chandler & Associates
405-481-7442
Oklahoma City
Catalyst Behavioral Services
(STAT Court Services)
3033 N. Walnut Drive
405-232-2852
Oklahoma City
Court Assistance Programs
311 N. Harvey Ave.
405-290-7322
Oklahoma City
COPE Inc.
2701 N. Oklahoma Ave.
405-528-8686
Oklahoma City
Family Builders
Contact: Phil Altes
415 N.W. 5th St.
405-232-8226
Oklahoma City
Latino Community
Development Agency
Hombres de Paz
420 S.W. 10th St.
405-236-0701
Okmulgee
Okmulgee County
Family Resource Center
918-756-2545
Sapulpa
Domestic Violence
Intervention Services Inc.
121 E. Dewey Ave.
918-224-9290
Sapulpa
Human Skills & Resources
27 E. Dewey Ave.
918-224-0225
Seminole
Family Resource Center
of Seminole County
405-382-5979
Stillwater
Wings of Hope
Stillwater Domestic Violence
Services Inc.
405-377-2344
www.sdvs.org
Tahlequah
Help In Crisis Inc.
918-456-0673
Tulsa
Chandlwe & Associates
12802 East 31st St., Ste. D
918-270-4660
Tulsa
Domestic Violence
Intevention Services Inc.
4300 S. Harvard Ave.
918-585-3163
Tulsa
Transformations LLC
6440 S. Lewis Ave.
539-777-1171
Wagoner
Help In Crisis
918-485-6500
Woodward
Northwest Domestic
Crisis Services
580-256-1215
71
LEGAL AID SERVICES OF OKLAHOMA INC.
ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICES
ADMINISTRATION
2915 N. Classen Blvd., Suite 500
Oklahoma City, OK 73106-5458
405-557-0020 FAX: 405-524-1257
TULSA ADMINISTRATION
907 S. Detroit Ave., Ste. 725
Tulsa, OK 74120-4204
918-584-3211 FAX: 918-584-1866 800-299-3338
STATEWIDE APPLICATION NUMBERS
Application Hotline 888-534-5243
SPLASH (Senior 60+) 855-488-6814
STATEWIDE HIV/AIDS LEGAL RESOURCE PROJECT
We have two law oces. Please call the oce nearest you:
OKLAHOMA CITY 405-524-4611 or toll free 866-817-8151
TULSA 918-295-9450
LAW OFFICES
ARDMORE LAW OFFICE SERVES: Carter, Garvin, Jeerson,
14 E Street Southwest Johnston, Love, Marshall, Murray,
Ardmore, OK 73401 Pontotoc
580-226-4863 or 800-421-8007 FAX: 580-226-4865
ADA SATELLITE OFFICE
410 S. Mississippi Ave.
Ada, OK 74820-6639
580-332-7141 or 866-332-7141 FAX: 580-332-7142
BARTLESVILLE LAW OFFICE
3851 E. Tuxedo Blvd., Ste. E
Bartlesville, OK 74006-2519
918-336-5736 or 800-421-4066 FAX: 918-336-5745
SERVES: Craig, Nowata, Osage,
Delaware, Washington, Ottawa
JAY SATELLITE OFFICE
312 S. 5th St., P.O. Box 390
Jay, OK 74346-0390
918-253-4980 or 800-725-8930 Fax: 918-253-8908
72
HUGO LAW OFFICE
402 E. Duke St., P.O. Box 890
Hugo, OK 74743-0890
580-326-9655 or 800-299-9655 FAX: 580-326-9658
SERVES: Atoka, Bryan, Choctaw,
Coal, Haskell, Latimer, LeFlore,
McCurtain, Pushmataha
MCALESTER SATELLITE OFFICE
1335 E. Carl Albert Parkway
P.O. Box 1126
McAlester, OK 74502-1126
918-423-2030 or 888-423-2033 Fax: 918-423-2036
SERVES: Pittsburg
POTEAU SATELLITE OFFICE
224 Dewey, P.O. Box 906
Poteau, Oklahoma 74953-0906
918-647-8136 or 800-299-8136 Fax: 918-647-2344
SERVES: Haskell, Latimer, LeFlore
LAWTON LAW OFFICE
323 S.W. C Ave.
Lawton, OK 73501-4016
580-248-4675 or 800-850-5950 FAX: 580-248-4678
SERVES: Caddo, Comanche,
Cotton, Stephens, Greer, Harmon,
Jackson, Kiowa, Tillman, Grady
ALTUS SATELLITE OFFICE
3000 N. Main St., Ste. 500
Altus, Oklahoma 73521-1351
580-482-7431 or 800-421-8016 Fax: 580-482-7432
SERVES: Same as Lawton
CHICKASHA SATELLITE OFFICE
301 S. 2nd St., Ste. B
Chickasha, OK 73018-2693
405-222-1231 FAX: 580-222-1232
SERVES: Same as Lawton
DUNCAN SATELLITE OFFICE
12 S. 8th St., Ste. 17
Duncan, OK 73533
580-252-5872
SERVES: Same as Lawton
MUSKOGEE LAW
624 W. Broadway St.
Muskogee, OK 74401-6219
918-683-5681 or 800-725-5681 FAX: 918-683-5690
OFFICE SERVES: Adair, Cherokee, McIntosh,
Muskogee, Sequoyah, Wagoner,
STILWELL SATELLITE OFFICE
219 W. Division St.
Stilwell, OK 74960-0924
918-696-2331 or 800-574-2331 Fax: 918-696-4331
SERVES: Adair, Cherokee, Sequoyah
73
NORMAN LAW OFFICE
2600 Van Buren St., Ste. 2606
Norman, OK 73072
405-360-6631 or 800-421-4057 FAX: 405-360-6632
Serves: Cleveland, McClain
SHAWNEE SATELLITE OFFICE
316 N. Broadway, Ste. C
Shawnee, OK 74801-6937
405-275-6870 or 800-421-8017 FAX: 405-275-6872
SERVES: Seminole, Hughes,
Pottawatomie
OKLAHOMA CITY COURT DEFENDER
722 N. Broadway Ave., Ste. 400
Oklahoma City, OK 73102-6025
405-297-3190 FAX: 405-297-3198
SERVES: Oklahoma City Municipal Court
OKLAHOMA CITY LAW OFFICE
2901 N. Classen Blvd., Ste. 112
Oklahoma City, OK 73106-5438
405-521-1302 or 800-421-1641 FAX: 405-557-0023 Senior Law Project 405-557-0014
SERVES: Canadian, Oklahoma
STILLWATER LAW OFFICE
312 S. Duck St.
Stillwater, OK 74074-3218
405-624-1734 or 800-256-9601 FAX: 405-624-8741
SERVES: Gareld, Grant, Kay,
Kingsher, Lincoln, Logan, Noble,
Payne
ENID SATELLITE OFFICE
2615 E. Randolph Ave.
Enid, OK 73701-4670
580-234-6590 FAX: 580-234-8822
SERVES: Gareld County
TULSA LAW OFFICE
907 S. Detroit Ave., Ste. 725
Tulsa, OK 74120-4204
918-584-3338 or 800-299-3338 FAX: 918-584-3060
SERVES: Creek, Mayes, Rogers, Tulsa,
Okfuskee, Okmulgee, Pawnee
WEATHERFORD LAW OFFICE
109 S. Broadway St., P.O. Box 309
Weatherford, OK 73096-4923
580-774-2235 or 800-256-1978 FAX: 580-774-2384
SERVES: Alfalfa, Beaver, Beckham,
Blaine, Cimarron, Custer, Dewey,
Ellis, Harper, Major, Roger Mills,
Texas, Washita, Woods,
Woodward
WOODWARD SATELLITE OFFICE
1115 E. 18th St.
Woodward, OK 73801-2920
580-256-4903 or 800-283-6949 FAX: 580-256-4916
SERVES: Beaver, Cimmarron, Dewey,
Ellis, Harper, Texas, Woods, Woodward
74
Related Websites
American Institute on Domestic Violence
www.aidv-usa.com
Asista – Assistance for Battered Immigrants
www.asistaonline.org
Latino Community Development Agency
www.latinoagencyokc.org
www.lcdaok.org
Legal Aid Services of Oklahoma Inc.
www.legalaidok.org
Legal Resource Center on Violence Against Women
www.lrcvaw.org
National Center on Elder Abuse
www.elderabusecenter.org
National Clearinghouse On Abuse In Later Life
www.ncall.us
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
www.ncadv.org
National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence
www.nccafv.org
OK Law – Oklahoma Legal Aid Website
www.oklaw.org
Oklahoma Attorney General-Victim Services Unit
www.oag.state.ok.us (Click on Section & Units About the Oce and scroll to Victim Services Unit)
Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt Assault
www.ocadvsa.org
Oklahoma Department of Human Services
www.okdhs.org (Scroll down to Domestic Violence Resources and click on Purple Ribbon)
Native Alliance Against Violence
www.oklahomanaav.org
State of Oklahoma Statutes
www.lsb.state.ok.us (Click on “Okla. Statutes and Constitution” then “Search Okla. Statutes Database.”
Enter 22-60.1 for Domestic Violence Denitions; 60.2 for Protective Orders)
Oklahoma Domestic Violence Statutes - LawHelp.org
www.lawhelp.org (Click on Find Help by State, click on Oklahoma, click on Domestic Vilence)
U.S. Department of Justice – Bureau of Justice Statistics
www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs
U.S. Dept. of Justice Oce on Violence Against Women
www.usdoj.gov/ovw
WomensLaw.org
www.womenslaw.org
75
________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
Community Resource Page
Service or area:
In case of emergency, call: 9-1-1 or
Local domestic violence hotline:
State domestic violence hotline: 1-800-522-SAFE (7233)
National domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National domestic violence hotline TDD: 1-800-787-3224
Confidential shelters:
Name: ____________________________________
Phone: ____________________________________
Name: ____________________________________
Phone: ____________________________________
Batterer treatment services: _________________________________________________
Legal services: ___________________________________________________________
Sheriff’s office/police station phone numbers: __________________________________
76
Chapter 8: Taking Care of You
Taking Care of Yourself While Working with
Women on the Edge of Crisis
14 Things to Remember:
1. You are only the first line in intervention. Don’t shoulder too much of the load and become
victimized yourself. You have a limited role. Know your bottom line. It is not to save her, but to
provide resources, support and access to help.
2. Make sure you have and use a support system. Talk with co-workers, your partner and your
friends.
3. Respect each woman’s process and pace. Keep your – and her – expectations realistic.
4. Trust her to make the best decisions about her own life, even if you disagree.
5. Pay attention to the aspects of her behavior that upset you the most. She may remind you of
something in yourself that you don’t want to see or accept.
6. Don’t take responsibility for the abuse or for her decision to stay or leave.
7. Don’t feel or act rejected if she does not take your advice.
8. Don’t take it personally if she does not trust you. The last person she trusted beat her up.
Remember that you did your best.
9. You may never get thanks from the women you work with. Learn to appreciate yourself and to
accept strokes from others, like your co-workers and partner.
10. Remember that your co-workers and partner are in need of the same things you are.
11. If you are emotionally overwhelmed, step out of the situation or get support for yourself. Don’t put
her in the position of having to take care of you!
12. Support and admire the courage, strength and wisdom it took for her to ask for help.
13. Enjoy the highs of the changes you are privileged to be part of.
14. When things look bleak, remember that there was a time that battering was not even acknowledged
or considered a crime.
Common Pitfalls to Working with Victims of Domestic Violence
• This is not a cause-and-effect situation; don’t ask what the woman did to provoke the attack.
• Listen to your client rather than working from your own agenda.
• Accept the fact that you will feel burned out; talk those feelings out.
• Accept that at times you will feel helpless.
• Be realistic about the impact you can make, rather than trying to be a rescuer.
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Notes
DHS Pub. No. 01-05 Revised 5/2014
is publication is authorized by Oklahoma Department of Human Services Director Ed Lake and
printed by DHS in accordance with state and federal regulations at a cost of $3,090.57 for 1,545 copies.
Copies have been deposited with the Publications Clearinghouse of the Oklahoma Department of
Libraries. DHS oces may request copies on ADM-9 (23AM009E) electronic supply orders. Members
of the public may obtain copies by calling 1-877-283-4113 (toll free), by faxing an order to (405) 962-
1741, or by downloading a copy at www.okdhs.org/library.
